Return To Rome: Two Years Later
by The-Despondent-Insomniac
Summary: It's been two years since lizzie's summer adventure in Rome and shes finally ready to go back, to face both the past and Isabella. The girl she hasn't been able to get out of her head. But two years is a long time, will Isabella still be waiting for her?
1. Chapter 1

**hey guys, so new story. new category for me too. so i woke up this morning/afternoon and when i got dowstairs i found out the LM movie was on, i managed to catch the end of it and as my disturbed mind always does managed to find chemistry in the weirdest of places: between Lizzie and Isabella...told ya it was weird...anyway, this story has been circling my head since this morning and needed let out so her it is! i must warn you though, its a lot less tame than my previous fics and although it wasnt meant to be turned out a leeetle smutty. this however is the edited smut version, the original was a LOT more graphic...too graphic for this site in my opinion...but anyways, i hope you enjoy this first (short) chapter, theres more on their way if anyone shows an interest and if not its still written for my own twisted amusement :P**

**so please read, enjoy and possibly review if you want to read more...the song i was listening to while writing this was someday we'll know by mandy moore, it seemed to fit for some reason..maybe it was just the lyrics "two years later youre still on my mind" but whatever...as always i dont own anything, it all belongs to disney and some other nice rich folks who certainly arent me...id really appreciate some feedback on this since the style is a little different that what im used to and as ive already said its more graphic than usual...but anyway, im gonna stop rambling now and let you read the story, it is and always will be a LIZZIE/ISABELLA fic, just to warn you again so trun back now all LG fans, there will be nooo lizzie/gordo action happening here :)...ENJOY!!!**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

It's been two years since the trip that changed my life forever. Two years of questions, confusion and finally the realisation that if I wanted any answers there was only one place I was going to find them. Rome.

When I left after that whirlwind summer I was only fifteen and I couldn't deal with everything that was happening. My parents had been supportive of every decision I had made and even agree to let me stay in Italy if I wanted to. But I couldn't, Italy had changed my life that year but I wasn't ready for the changes it brought. So I ran: came back home, tried to be the same invisible clumsy girl I always had been and forget about everything that had happened, all the amazing adventures, the confusing feelings and the whirlwind life I had been living those few fantastical weeks.

It didn't exactly work out that way though; I was still clumsy of course, nothing could ever change that but everything else had changed. People recognised me when I moved onto high school. It was ridiculous to think that they wouldn't, I had sung live at the _international_ music video awards. Of course people from the states watched them. I suddenly had more friends than I had ever had before in my life, and it was fun I suppose, but something was missing. And as much as I wanted to deny it I knew exactly what it was. I missed Isabella.

Gordo and Miranda were great; we managed to stay friends even with the drama high school brought. Gordo was my rock through it all. He was the main reason I was finally getting the courage now to return to Rome. It had been him who first voiced the question of my feeling towards Isabella and him who had first reassured me that it was okay not to be what people expected. That it was okay to have feelings for a girl.

I didn't know if she would still want me after all this time, but I desperately hoped she would, I didn't even know if when we came face to face I would still want her but I had to give it a shot. One thing that I had picked up from that summer was the confidence and daring to go after what I wanted without hesitating for so long and missing the opportunity like I always had in the past.

Isabella had said she would be waiting for me when I was ready to find her but two years is a long time, I don't know if she would have waited this long for me. We had only shared one night after all, was that enough for her to have given up two years for? For all I knew she might have moved on by now and barely even remember the girl she had sung with so long ago. But still I was going: Back to Rome to find her.


	2. Chapter 2

**hey, so to everyone who read the last chapter, thank you so much, and to kittysquyres, my one and only reviewer so far this next chapter is for you. i hope you like it. it has the flashback element you wanted :)**

**to anyone who has just started reading i hope you enjoy and will leave me a little feedback. the rating for this fic i a HIGH T, it was originally an M but i dont think the rating is _quite _justified, however if you disagree tell me and ill move it back up.**

**i really hope you all like this chapter, the next will be up either tomorrow or tuesday**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

The two weeks we had spent together just hanging out around Rome after the _IMVA_'s had left me so confused and elated that I barely knew which way was up anymore, she had spun my head so fast and so far that by the time it came for me to choose between going home or staying in Rome I was on such a high that the only option left was to crash straight back down. And that's what I was terrified would happen if I stayed. Isabella made me feel things that neither Paolo nor any other boy had ever made me feel before. Where I had had crushes before what I was feeling for her after only a few days was enough to make me shaky and dizzy and so jittery I felt like I was going to wriggle right out of my skin every time she touched me.

Then, on the last night before I was to either leave or stay she took me out, we sped through the streets for hours, leaving the city further and further behind us until finally we stopped. We had somehow managed to wind up on top of a rocky mountain; so far away from the city I could barely see its blinking lights in the distance. She came up behind me and took my hand, turning me around to face her until all I could see was her. She was all around me, surrounding me with her scent, her gorgeous dark hair blowing gently around us both and her hands encircling mine. And then she spoke, her irresistible accent filling my ears and tuning out any other sound but that of her voice. I was totally mesmerised. It was only when she turned me around again and began to gently tug on my hand that some of what she had been saying made its way into my fogged up brain. It was only beginning to fully sink in when light flooded my senses and I saw the huge house in front of us. Isabella's house. That was what she had been trying to tell me. She wanted me to see it, the house where she had grown up, where she had laughed and played and first learned to sing. Her sanctuary, her home.

I followed her in a daze, my eyes glancing over everything but taking in nothing, only truly noticing something when she directed my attention towards it. She led me up the stairs, her hand gently grasping mine, fingers moving every so often and finally entwining with mine. She showed me the entire house, the huge lower floor, the cool dark wine cellar, the huge bathrooms, the outside terrace, her parent's old rooms and finally hers. On the top floor of the house, with its own hidden winding staircase, and then out onto the balcony.

The rough, cold stone felt like heaven under my finger tips as I tried to force my concentration onto it and away from Isabella. My other hand was still being held gently by hers and I could feel every movement of our fingers moving against each others. My mind was in a haze and I couldn't think straight, I felt barely conscious. My mind dancing somewhere beneath a perfumed cloud: Fogging up my vision, stuffing my ears and making my entire body feel like it was on fire one moment and being filled with ice water the next. I nearly jumped out of my overly sensitive skin when I felt her fingers slip from between my own and her hands run smoothly over my shoulders and down my arms causing me to shiver so badly she moved to stand behind me, her arms encircling my waist- hands resting low on my stomach. She rested her head on my shoulder, her front pressed fully against my back and her breath hot on my neck as she began to speak again.

She told me all about growing up here, how she loved to run all through the house with her mother and grandfather chasing her, the hours of fun she had exploring the secret passages she found, and sliding down all the banisters of the huge house. Her voice grew sad as she told me of the car crash that had taken both their lives a month after her thirteenth birthday and just days before her first album hit the charts. My icy hands found her warm ones while she recounted the grief she had felt in the months following their deaths and I gripped the arms she had wrapped around me- drawing small circles when her voice began to grow husky and her accent stronger with emotion.

It was soon after that I felt myself turning around to face her, my breath catching as I watched the tears silently slipping down her face as memories poured from her lips. I reached up a shaking hand and slowly wiped them from her face, concentrating solely on my fingers moving across her skin and the feeling of euphoria that swept over me when she gasped at my fingers brushing the corner of her mouth. When I looked up again- feeling shaky and vulnerable for a reason I couldn't name it was to find her looking down at me in silence, her dark eyes burning into my own and making my blood boil and freeze in my veins. I gulped as she continued to watch me and tried to look down. Her sudden grip on my chin forced me to look up again and my eyes collided once again with hers. It wasn't until I felt the shiver travel through her that I realised my hand had been unconsciously tracing her face as we watched one another and it wasn't until she touched my lips carefully with her own fingertips that I realised she had been doing the same thing. Fire burning through my body and my vision blurring until the only thing I could see was her I did the only thing that made sense at that moment; I leaned into her touch, my body lining up perfectly with hers just as she stepped forward and trapped me gently against the stone balcony ledge.

Her free had was gripping mine as our eyes continued to silently hold the other captive and just as I was preparing to bodily wrench myself away; needing to get some air to my suddenly weak lungs and to clear my head of the fuzzy hazy heat that seemed to fill it anytime she got too close, she lightly ran her fingertips over my blazing cheek and followed its path with her eyes until her hand gently slipped under my hair and danced along the back of my neck. Her fingers lightly sifting through and tangling in stray locks of hair and causing my breath to become shaky and my eyes to slip closed at the sensation.

It was only moments later that I felt the tentative brush of what felt like roughened velvet against my lips. My eyes snapped open and immediately fell closed again as a wave of heat swept through my entire body and a whimper escaped me. She pulled back slightly at the sound and I couldn't help myself from trailing after her as her mouth left my own; opening my bleary eyes to find her watching me warily, a slight tinge of fear in her eyes as though wondering what I was going to do next- worried about my reaction. I couldn't help myself. I stepped forward, gripping her waist with my free hand- the other still entangled with hers- and drew her back towards me, my eyes seeking out hers and locking onto them as I pulled her in until our breaths were mingling and all I could see were her darkened eyes. Leaning towards her as slowly as possible my mind ran over everything that was happening in a panic, trying to process everything and making sense of nothing until finally it was shut down completely as my eyes fluttered closed and my lips locked firmly onto Isabella's.


	3. Chapter 3

**okay, so this chapter im a little worried about, im really really not used to writing scenes like this so i apologise if it seems really awkward or rushed to anyone...erm, thats all im really gonna say about this one, no long ramble this time. just thank you again to kittysquyres for her awesome review and to I'm Burnin' Up For You Baby for hers, they really mean a lot to me and inspire me to keep writing...even if it embarasses me sometimes lol...so to everyone who reads this, please enjoy and feel free to review :)...even if it is only to criticise, anything that helps improve my writing is good :)**

**okay, and thats about it i think so....see ya next chapter, it will either be up tomorrow or wednesday...thanks for reading everyone :D **

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

It was only hours later as dawn was peeking shyly through the gauzy blinds of Isabella's room that my mind finally began to catch up with everything that had happened. And it nearly shut right back down again at the sight of Isabella lying sprawled out across the bed next to me; her tanned and naked back glinting in the early morning light, her front pressed into the crisp, white sheets and her face turned towards me. One of her hands was resting to the side of her and as my gaze followed it I realised it was resting across my stomach. Looking up I noticed her other hand was above my head, my own arm extended above me and our fingers entwined. Glancing down I gratefully noticed the sheets we had exhaustedly slipped under just a few hours before were still covering my own naked body even as they slipped even further down Isabella's when she stirred lightly and flexed her fingers; her nails gently scraping across my stomach under the sheet and causing me to have to stifle a gasp. My eyes fluttered closed as she unconsciously drew small patterns over my body and my mind drifted lazily back to the night before.

I wasn't quite sure how we had ended up sprawled across Isabella's bed, or how my hands had managed to move from her waist to under her tight top and splayed across her stomach, all I could think of were the lips attached to my own and the hands lazily moving all across my body. I gasped when her lips moved from mine and instead fastened on my neck leaving me to pant heavily and arch my neck into her roving mouth, silently begging for more. My own hands began to move, gripping her hips tightly and drawing a moan from her as she flipped us over and straddled my waist while she continued to gently lick and bite her way down my neck. It wasn't until my flimsy top disappeared sometime later that I realised hers had too and my hands began to roam greedily over the exposed flesh. Suddenly being overcome with the want to _taste _her, my own mouth began its exploration; both of us letting out almost silent whimpers as my lips made contact with her flesh.

Never before in my life had I done anything like this with anyone, I had done little more that occasionally make out with any boyfriends I had had but now, with Isabella it was as if my body had been consumed with fire and the only way to release the heat was to get closer and closer, taste more and touch more of her flawless flesh. The sensations that were building up inside me were driving me mad with something I could only describe as _want-need-desperate-please _and as the words tumbled from my lips I felt myself being pushed backwards onto the pillows.

My eyes snapped open for a moment at the feeling of my jeans slipping from my legs, my breath leaving me in a rush as Isabella's lips moved back up towards me and eventually latched back onto mine. I pulled away again moments later with a loud moan when her hands moved between my legs, making me aware for the first time of the source of the heat that had been driving me crazy. My vision became blurred again as I felt her fingers moving along the edge of my underwear, teasing the flash there and making my whole body shiver and erupt in goose-pimples.

I heard her laughing huskily somewhere above me from the haze that had consumed me and even in my delirious state I was able to marvel that even her laugh seemed to have an accent to it. She laughed again as words fitting my thoughts tumbled from my lips even as they moved along her neck biting a little as they went. Fighting off the fog of my mind for a moment I managed to playfully glare at her for laughing at me and instinctively arched my hips under her in retaliation, causing her to moan loudly and slump forward, her forehead resting on mine and a breathy stream of Italian falling from her lips only to be swallowed up by my own as they captured hers again. Italian may have been adorable on Paolo; on Isabella it was irresistibly hot.

I wasn't sure when her tiny skirt disappeared, only that once it was gone I could feel the same fire burning from Isabella that I was feeling myself and that it made me impossibly hotter, causing my fingers to dig sharply into her back as her mouth worked its way around my bellybutton and my head fell backwards into the pillow, my teeth clamping sharply together to prevent a scream at the feeling of her mouth biting down on my inner thigh. Writhing beneath her mouth and fingers the only thoughts what were running through my head was a steady chanting of wanting and needing and pleading.

My fingers threaded their way through Isabella's hair, gripping and relaxing as she continued to lick and tease me with her mouth. My underwear was still on but was soaked through, the liquid fire inside of me building and building beneath it. When Isabella's fingers finally slid them from my shaking body I could do no more than whimper as they finally came free of my legs and pull her back towards me, kissing her slowly for a moment as I worked her own lacy underwear down her body. The only clothing either of us was wearing anymore were bras and they were quickly lost as our fingers weaved across the others body even as our mouths hungrily devoured each others.

When we were finally free of every piece of clothing both of us simultaneously stopped for a long moment; our eyes locking with the others, silently questioning and reassuring at the same time before we both dived forward at the same time, our mouths fusing back together and our hands beginning to move once again. The rest of the night was lost to long drawn out moans and breathy exclamations, whispered words and quickly captured screams.

It was only in the grey hours before the dark of dawn that we finally slumped beneath the sheets of the huge bed, exhausted and sweaty but completely calm. The fire that had been tearing me apart finally quenched by the blinding white light that had washed over me again and again in the last several hours until it was fully gone and I was left with a feeling of utter weightlessness and bonelessness. Barely able to move enough to slip onto my side from my currently slumped position over Isabella; her hands still resting weakly on my shoulders, fingers flexing occasionally as her body twitched beneath mine.

We laid in silence for several moments, me on my front breathing deeply into the pillows and trying to slow my erratic heartbeat and her on her back, staring at the ceiling unseeingly as her eyes fluttered lightly and her chest rose and fell wildly. When our breathing had finally returned to normal Isabella turned her head to look at me for a moment, my own exhausted eyes returning her stare and subsequent tired smile. Several minutes later she sat up silently and gripped the sheets at the bottom of the bed, I rolled over onto my back and gladly pulled up my side of the cool material, cold now as the sweat began to dry on my skin.

Flopping back down into the mussed piles of pillows I turned again to look at her and found her leaning over me slightly, reaching up a hand and pulling her down to me I kissed her tiredly and felt her slump down next to me, her front brushing tantalisingly against mine but both of us too tired to do anything more than kiss for now. She pushed one of my hands gently upwards, entwining her fingers with it and trailing her lips slowly down my throat before burying her face in my neck and slipping an arm under the sheets and over my stomach. After that there was only darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

**hey guys, so heres the next chapter, im uploading it a bit early cos im in a good mood today,got another3/4 thousand words down for this fic this morning :D...its not a lot but im just glad the story still seems to be flowing for me...i may even actually finish this one lol...sooo, enjoy, review and feel free the harass your friends into reading too :P**

**thank you to I'm Burnin' Up For You Baby for your review of the last chapter, it really boosted my confidence of it :)**

**the next chapter should be up tomorrow about the sameish time...but i may not update on thursday because im going shopping with one of my girlfriends and probably staying at hers so the next update wont be until friday. hope you all dont mind :)**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

Feeling her stir next to me I was pulled out of my memories of the night and my head began to spin at the full realisation of everything that had happened. I was meant to be deciding whether or not to go home today, I was meant to be at the hotel packing for one decision or the other. I was not meant to be laying in bed, with another girl no less having just lost my virginity at the age of fifteen. This was not what I did; it was not how I behaved. What if my dad found out, what if anyone at school found out. I would be known as Lizzie the lesbian.

I couldn't deal with this, I couldn't. I needed to get out, to get back to the hotel and away from here, away from Rome and all the confusing emotions it was bringing out in me. I needed to go back home and pretend none of it had ever happened, not Paolo, not meeting Isabella and singing with her, not the feelings she elicited in me and definitely not the night just spent worshiping her body and being worshiped in return. None of it should have happened, Lizzie McGuire was not supposed to have done any of these things, it was not who she was, or the way her life worked. My life was meant to be simple and boring, not adventurous and daring; I was meant to be a klutz not an international music singer/impersonator, and not an international music singer's girlfriend either. **I **was a girl, I wasn't supposed to have a girlfriend: I was supposed to have a boyfriend, someone safe and nice and as dorky as me, someone like Gordo. Not someone exotic and daring and impatient and same sex oriented as Isabella.

Oh god, what was happening to me, it was like that little voice in my head that was always daring me to do things and saying what I really meant had taken over, leaving quiet, shy me behind. That thought was more terrifying to me than all the others put together, I needed my shyness and my klutziness; they were what made me invisible and safe and kept things like **this **from happening.

Isabella opened her eyes as a ray of sunlight hit her face and smiled slowly at me while rubbing tiredly at her bleary eyes. I smiled shakily back and tightened my hand around her own for a moment, more to reassure myself and prevent myself from having a full blown panic attack than anything else but the small gesture brought me an immediate sense of comfort to me and I was able to smile a little more brightly. Her own fingers tightened immediately as mine relaxed and our eyes met and held strongly for a moment, our strangely similar faces tracing the others intensely for several minutes in silence until she suddenly leant forward and captured mine. I squeaked slightly in surprise and my mind immediately screamed at me to move away, not to give back in, to get up and run. But I didn't, and I couldn't. The feel of her lips brought all the memories from the night before crashing to the forefront of my mind and I forcefully pushed my lips against her own, lost for a moment in the memories and the sensations and the elated feeling that seemed to flood me whenever we touched.

We eventually drew back for air and rested our foreheads together, breathing roughly for a few minutes until Isabella slowly drew away and climbed slowly from the bed, stopping at the bottom to hold out her hand for mine. I sat up slowly, my eyes warily looking at the outstretched hand before me, hesitating to take it for a reason I didn't understand. I looked up at Isabella standing patiently waiting, and bit my lip, again glancing down at her hand and noticing her frown a little in frustration or worry, I wasn't sure which. Eventually I reached out and tentatively grasped her hand and allowed myself to be pulled slowly from the bed; the sheet pooling behind me as I went and causing her to smirk a little and me to blush heavily. She led me silently over to an adjoining doorway this I didn't remember from the evening before, although I wasn't too surprised; my vision had been so filled with her the last few weeks that I hadn't been able to focus on anything else no matter how important, it was one of the reasons I hadn't yet made up my mind if I was staying here or going home. And every moment I stayed with Isabella the choice was getting more and more difficult...and easier at the same time.

I yelped in surprise as my feet came into contact with icy cold marble, startling me out of my thoughts and causing Isabella to burst out laughing. We were in a bathroom; somehow we had gone from her room to here without me knowing it. Then I remembered the doorway and cursed myself for getting so lost in my thoughts. I needed to keep a clear head for today; we only had a few hours before I was expected back at the hotel with my decision. I grinned sheepishly as I saw Isabella trying to rein in her laughter and lightly swatted at her; stepping gingerly into the bathroom and adjusting the feel of the icy tiles against my bed-warmed feet.

She walked over to the huge shower enclosure and quickly tuned the taps on, jets of water immediately streaming from all sides, and splashing out of the opened door towards us. Isabella padded quietly over to a chest at the side of the huge bathroom and drew out several large towels and handed two of them. I looked questioningly at her as she grabbed a robe from the back of the door and headed back towards the bedroom, stopping in the doorway to smile gently at me and tell me to take a shower while she made breakfast. I barely stopped myself from asking her to join me, deciding at the last moment not to. It would be a lot easier to keep my mind from re-entering its previous delirious state if we kept a small amount of distance between us.

Stepping into the shower and feeling the jets hit my body was like heaven, after last night I was aching all over-even if it was in a good way-and my hair was a mess, tangled and mussed from hours of Isabella's hands running through it, my body felt slightly grotty from the dried sweat that I had been too tired to wash off last night but the perfect water of the huge shower was washing it all away. Looking around the shower stall I quickly found several different luxury shampoos and body washes and immediately taking advantage of the expensive products, slathering them generously through my hair and across my body. It was only when I stepped out of the shower half an hour later that I realised the smell of Isabella was everywhere, all around me; on my skin, in my hair, filling the very air I was breathing with the irresistible scent I had become so used to associating with Isabella. My head immediately began to feel fuzzy as I closed my eyes and breathed deeply- inhaling the scent and trying to imprint it permanently on my brain.

Groaning at the memories that immediately swarmed to the front of my mind, I forced my eyes open and grabbed the other robe from the back of the bathroom door and went in search of Isabella. I finally found her after bumbling about for a good ten minutes. In my hazy state the night before I had barely been able to take anything in, too focused on Isabella to allow any other thoughts to penetrate my brain. Now though I wished I had, it would have saved me a lot of time and spared me the embarrassment of stumbling around like a klutzy intruder. As I entered the huge kitchen with adjoining dining room I immediately smelled pancakes and looked around for the source of the delicious smell. I found it wafting from the far corner of the kitchen where Isabella was standing; her eyes cast down in concentration as she watched small bubbles pop along the surface of the pancakes and delicately flipped them just as the first larger bubbles popped to the top.

Watching her I couldn't help but laugh slightly, who knew that diva-pop sensation Isabella Parici could cook. She spun around in surprise as I laughed, spatula held "threateningly" in hand and a menacing frown on her face. It only caused me to laugh harder as I stumblingly approached her, trying to rein in my laughter but only succeeding in producing loud and pig like snort instead. We stared at one another for several long seconds until suddenly we both collapsed in laughter; one of her hands gripping my shoulder while my own settled around her waist, clutching it as we both shook silently until we both began gasping and had to force ourselves to breathe.


	5. Chapter 5

**dont own it...next chapter on friday...possibly tomorrow night but not likely**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

We were both red faced and panting by the time we straightened up and locked eyes. I couldn't help myself, my head had been spinning with her scent since I stepped out of the shower and now being this close to her, it was too much to resist. I leaned forward and gently pressed my lips to hers, licking her lips lightly to catch her taste. It was a close mouthed kiss, almost chaste if not for the passion behind it. Isabella tilted her head slightly towards me when we broke apart and the invitation was too clear to resist; once again our lips met and held but this time we didn't pull apart, our lips moved slowly and languidly over the others, already so familiar after the hours we had spent during the night tracing and tempting and imagining and learning. Hours spent studying the others body so much emotion and passion behind it that by now they were almost as familiar as our own.

We drew apart suddenly minutes later, staring quickly and questioningly at the other before we both realised at the same time what had drawn us from the others lips. The pancakes were burning. Isabella quickly flipped them over, trying to see if the damage was salvageable before letting out a stream of Italian curses that despite their meaning had me melting into a puddle of lusty goo on the spot. After depositing the remains of the charred pancakes in the bin and scowling at it for a moment Isabella finally turned back towards me and only just managed to catch me as I pounced on her. I didn't know where this side of me was coming from, it was as though some strange and lustful creature had taken me over, still letting me be me but adding a sexual tint to everything now. It was infuriating, and it was making me unbearably hot. I wanted Isabella, and I wanted her now: This instant, right here. I needed her, needed her touch and her kisses and her mouth moving over me like it had the night before, making me scream and writhe for hours and in return I wanted to do the same to her. Make her scream for me like she had done, make for pant and whimper and plead.

My mouth caught hers as she stumbled backwards slightly, her back hitting the counter and her arms wrapping around me, one of her hands moving upwards and undoing the towel wrapped there and then gripping fistfuls of my still wet hair as it fell in tangles curls down my back. I slipped my hands down, around her waist and gripped the robe she was wearing tightly, trying to fight for some measure of self control even as my mind fogged up and all I could think of was the tongue invading my mouth and making me shiver slightly. One of my hands inched its way slowly upwards until it was slipping into the folds of the robe Isabella wore over her otherwise naked body and slowly traced the velvety skin there. By the time Isabella pulled away what seemed like hours later we were both panting and both of our robes were open our hands sliding everywhere on the others body we could reach without giving in to the ultimate temptation.

I looked questioningly at her even as a slight sense of relief filled me, I knew if she hadn't pulled away I wouldn't have been able to and now-as much as I wanted it- wasn't the time for us to be having a repeat of last night. The clock was ticking and the time until I had to be back at the hotel was dwindling fast, even faster due to the long drive we had in order to get back into the city. Panting heavily and watching Isabella however made me want to forget everything and just sink back into her bed. Just as I was leaning back into her again my brain caught up and I mentally shook myself at the same time she breathily murmured something about the pancakes. I thought she had burnt them all but looking around I noticed a large plate off to the side, slacked high with both large and small pancakes with several small bowls next to it filled with different kinds of fruit and two large glasses of water and two mugs of coffee next to those. I was speechless; it was a work of art. When she had said breakfast I had thought she meant toast and coffee, but this was amazing.

I spun around, irrational tears building at the sides of my eyes, spilling down even as I tried to ignore them and gripped Isabella to me in a crushing hug. I don't know why I was so emotional but I guess after everything that had happened in the past month was finally catching up with me; last night and this morning just hitting the overflow point. I buried my face in Isabella's neck, silent tears sliding down my face as I clung to her. She pulled me in close as she felt my tears on my neck and let out a little incredulous laugh, hugging me tightly for a long moment before pulling away a little and gently swiping the tears off my face. I laughed embarrassedly as my face flushed and ducked my head quickly to hide the blush spilling over my cheeks, already feeling ridiculous at my suddenly emotional moment. Isabella chuckled huskily for a moment and then silently took my hand, casting me a reassuring easy smile and leading me over to the double glass doors leading into the dining room.

She pushed open the doors and led me over to one of the chairs, pulling it out for me and manoeuvring into it, pushing down on my shoulders lightly to make me sit when I simply stood and watched her bemusedly. She raised an imperious eyebrow at me in question of my hesitance and I quickly sat down not wanting to make her angry. If there was one thing I had learned in the last few weeks, it was that Isabella had a fiery temper. She could blow up suddenly over slight things, storming and raging with a passion; hands gesturing wildly, mouth furiously spouting Italian curses and hair almost seeming to crackle around her with energy. And then calming down just as quickly, the tempest abating, leaving everyone wondering if they had just imagined her fury while she stood calmly by; a serene, if impatient smile on her lips.

She moved back into the kitchen, leaving me to my daydreaming thoughts as she moved around the room; gathering bowls and glasses together before turning back towards me and setting them all down on the table in strategic positions. She spun around after she was done to kiss me quickly on my still wet head and then slipped back into the kitchen to gather the rest of our breakfast. I sighed contently for a second, feeling calm and peace wash over me. I wished I could just stay like this forever. I didn't want to go back and face the outside world. Didn't want to have to choose.


	6. Chapter 6

**hey guys, so good news for you bad news for me, my plans changed...which means, you all get an update tonight...downside is; its the shortest chapter in the whole fic :/....either way, you get it a day early so thats good :)....aaaand you even get it earlier in the day since im absolutely exhausted and need sleep tonight, i havent slept in about a week and today totally wore me out...soooo i hope you all enjoy this chapter, its sorta the brigde chapter into the rest of the story which is why its so short. hope you all still like it despite the rubbish length**

**the next chapter will be up either tomorrow or saturday, i nedd to get a few more chapteres written first, i like to have at least three ahead of the posted chapters already written so i dont get bogged down...thats about it for tonight, the next chappie is a little sad, but its a better length :)...see you all tomorrow**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

We finished our breakfast in relative silence, both because words didn't seem to be needed between us and because I was growing more and more agitated by the second; worry and doubts creeping swiftly into my thoughts. Chasing each other around and around so much my head was beginning to spin with the strength of them and my breathing beginning to grow short. I wasn't ready of this, I wasn't. I didn't know how to deal with any of it. I was only fifteen; I shouldn't be having to make such drastic decisions this early in my life. I don't know how Isabella had done it all these years, granted she was nearly two years older than me but still, she had been on her own since she was thirteen. Making decisions about her life and career without anyone to guide her. How was I- even with my friends and family to support me- meant to make such a decision? It was an almost impossible choice...especially after last night.

The air was tense as we were getting dressed, I wanted to say something, express to her how amazing last night had been for me, explain the turmoil I was feeling over the choice I had to make, but most of all I just wanted to put voice to the feeling that swarmed my mind every time she looked at me, touched me or even breathed near me. But I couldn't and we got ready in awkward silence, the air seeming to get thicker and thicker around me with every minute that passed. Every minute that drew us closer to our return to the city, the hotel and my parents. I wanted to stay, hide back under the covers of Isabella's bed and curl up with her forever, but at the same time I had a fervent desire to run: as fast as I could back to America, back to my safe, invisible little life where no one knew me and I was just clumsy little Lizzie, the girl who messed up graduation and who worried over what clothes to wear for her first day of high school. This life I had been living was so far removed from that; it was almost unreal. I had come so far so fast and I couldn't deal with it all, my head was spinning and my ears were filled with the sound of a rushing scream, growing louder and louder with every tick of the clock and every beat of my racing heart.

But I continued getting ready to leave, drying my hair quickly into easy waves, slipping into borrowed clothes and stuffing my crinkled messy ones from the night before into a bag. I brushed a little make-up onto my face, cleaned my teeth and checked around one last time to make sure I had remembered everything. When I finally ready to go I turned towards the doorway and found Isabella watching me; a sad but resigned look spreading across her beautiful face as I moved towards her. I pulled her into a tight hug, needing to feel the calmness that washed over me whenever I was in her arms. I buried my face in her neck and breathed in the scent that at the moment was almost identical to my own. I heard her sigh quietly and tighten her arms around me and for a long while we just stood there, silent as we had been all morning and holding onto one another for dear life.


	7. Chapter 7

**hey guys, so i managed to get another chapter and a half written which means im far enough ahead to let you all have this one :)....see, having a bum ankle has its uses after all lol, it means im confined to my room if i dont wanna fully break it by going down the tiny staircase i have and gives me more time to write. i live in the attic lol....anyways, i hope you like this chapter, its kinda depressing but i thought it was actually pretty decent...sorta...a little...maybe?..its also a lot longer than the last one which im sure youll all be pleased to know :D...sooo enjoy! i hope some of you will have the time to review tonight...look out for the next chapter in the next few days, it should be on regular schedule but im gonna be a little busy so i may have to skip a few nights :/...thats bout it really, so as i said before, enjoy and feel free to review...hint hint lol :P**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

When we got back to the hotel, we both knew I had made my decision. As much as I didn't want to I knew I had to go home, I couldn't stay here. Not now, I wasn't ready for it, I knew it and Isabella knew it too. It didn't stop the pain though. We pulled up into the hotel parking lot just after half past eight and just sat there for a while. Bella had her arms wrapped tightly around me from behind and her chin resting heavily on my shoulder, I could feel every one of her tears dripping off onto my shirt. I could feel my own tears sliding quickly down my cheeks, ruining whatever makeup I had on but I didn't care, I was gripping Isabella's hands as tightly as I could; my nails digging deeply into her hands. It must have hurt but she didn't try and release them. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to picture us the night we had sung together on stage, the adrenaline and happiness I had felt, and the immediate electricity when her hand had gripped mine; tightly, proudly.

I opened my eyes again only when I realised she was saying something, whispering it quietly over and over into my shoulder, her voice being muffled by both the material and the sobs that were slipping out every few minutes. It only made my tears come faster and harder; a hot river burning its way down my face. I turned around in her arms, and slipped my own around her; pulling her as close as I could and trying to stop the tears that were streaming down both our faces. After a few minutes I pulled back sharply and we just stared at each other; her hands reaching up and gripping my face, tracing my jaw and cheekbones and lips. It was so familiar it was painful. Bringing my own hands up I began mimicking her movements, re-tracing all the contours and gentle ridges I had the night before; remembering them, imprinting them onto my brain forever. Isabella leaned forward slowly; her eyes still locked with mine, both our hands moving slowly over the others face as she gently rested her forehead against mine. All I could see was her eyes: brown and shining and bottomless, tears dripping slowly from the lashes every time she blinked.

I closed my eyes again; I couldn't bear to see the tears anymore. We both sighed heavily and I felt my lips slowly touch hers- wanting to touch her one last time. My eyes slid open a little, and my lips touched hers again and then again after that. Again and again, over and over until we were staring at each other, eyes wild and planting frenzied kisses to the others lips. I wanted, no _needed _to know she was still there with me, even though I would be leaving in only moments I needed to know she was still there. When we finally drew apart both our eyes were dry: puffy and raw looking but dry. We sat and watched one another for a few more long seconds until I finally managed to wrench myself away. I was seconds away from the front door to the hotel when I felt her hand wrap around my own. She spun me back around and pushed her lips to mine one last time; her lips moved slowly and gently along my own, the most innocent kiss I had ever been given. Both our mouths were closed and yet it felt like heaven. Bittersweet and painful, but still like heaven.

We pulled apart only seconds later, but it was almost as if in that one kiss she had revived me and killed me all at once. I was filled with a sweet warmth, the kind that reminds you of marshmallows and duvet covers and cute cuddly care-bear teddies but at the same time it was as though I was completely burnt out, my whole being turned to ashes: left to falter and crumble. I felt empty, bottomless, almost like half my body was missing and I was feeling the wind blowing across the exposed and torn skin. It was unbearable: as though I was a non-entity, only half alive.

Isabella gently uncurled my hands from where I hadn't realised they had been gripping her shirt and kissed each of my fingertips as she let them go, fresh tears shining in both of our eyes. I knew they would be released the second I entered the hotel. She began to slowly turn and walk away, back to the parking and although I knew I shouldn't I could help but let an apology slip from my lips. She stopped waking immediately and turned back around. Painfully slowly, as though she was forcing herself to make every movement. When she was finally facing me again all she did was smile at me sadly; a heartbreaking smile that sent the tears cascading back down my cheeks. Her smile brightened for a moment and she shook her head slightly at me; mumbling Italian under her breath. Suddenly she looked up at me, her eyes piercing mine and holding them captive while she rasped out; her voice choked with tears but filled with certainty and her accent so strong I could barely understand

"This isn't over _innamorato; _you will come back one day, when you are ready. And I- I will be waiting for you. For _you _Lizzie McGuire. You will come find me. I know it_. Ti amo così tanto deve venire allineare se lo credo abbastanza. _I will be seeing you my Lizzie"

She smiled another broken smile at me and then twirled around and stumbled out of sight to the parking lot. I watched her disappearing back for a moment and then collapsed against the doorway of the hotel sobbing uselessly into my knees.

* * *

**very very rough translation of the Italian used**

*innamorato= sweetheart

*_ Ti amo così tanto deve venire allineare se lo credo abbastanza. _= I love you so much that it has to come true if I believe it enough.

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**that little button right below here does wonders for my self esteem lol**


	8. Chapter 8

**hey guys, im so sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up, i know its off my regular scheduling with the timing as well as the days but as im sure most of you are aware by now fanfic was being a pain in the ass again and wouldnt let me upload or update any of my fics :(...its only just now letting me back in again...i hope youre all not too mad at me, and i really hope you enjoy this chapter, the next one should hopefully be up tomorrow night, but no promises with the way the sites been acting up :/**

**anyways, thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, especially kittysquyres once again, for both reviewing the last chapter and putting up with my insane ramblings lol**

**so to everyone reading this next chapter; i hope you like it (you probably wont love it since its not all that happy :P )and will review with any thoughts you have on it :D**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

The plane ride home was exhausting and for once in my life I was glad to spend time with Matt since it meant I wouldn't have to sit beside my parents for the next fourteen hours trying to hold back my tears. Instead we were much further back the plane, several rows behind our parents and far enough away that they could neither see nor hear us. For once in his life Matt actually decided to be nice to me, or as nice as one as evil as him can be: he stayed silent for most of the flight, sleeping occasionally but mostly just ignoring me and watching the in flight movies. It was the best I could hope for from him, thankfully though he also ignored me when I started to cry again and although I could tell he wanted to- stopped himself from making wisecracks about me just missing all the clothes. I caught him sending side-glances at me every so often, checking if I was alright or trying to think of a prank I'm not sure but either way I smiled tearfully at him and ruffled his already messy hair halfway through the flight - I'm not sure if it was more to reassure him or myself but it seemed to work since he yelped angrily and furiously flattened his hair, glared at me and went back to watching his movie.

The rest of the time was pure torture, I felt as though I had a huge rubber band in my stomach, tightening painfully with every mile that took me further and further away from Rome. It was as though I was being pulled apart forcefully from the inside, my body being carried swiftly across the ocean but the rest of me desperately trying to stay in Italy. I had to fight the urge to leap up and start screaming several times and it was almost a physical effort to remain in my seat when all wanted to do was throw myself out the nearest exit and land back in 'Bella's bed. It was almost inconceivable how much things had changed since only this morning. I refused to regret my decision though, despite what my heart was screaming at me I knew it wouldn't have worked out if I had stayed, I needed time to grow up, adjust to all the changes In my life and I couldn't do that when I was at the centre of everything. I had to take a step back for a little while, let everything calm down and let my head stop spinning. Maybe then I could figure everything out. I just wished it wasn't so painful doing so. Wished I didn't keep picturing Isabella's face every time I blinked and wished I didn't feel like I was physically tearing off my limbs the further I got from her.

By the time the plane landed the next day I could barely speak, my voice was hoarse from choking back tears and my eyes were red and puffy from both lack of sleep and the number of times I had furiously rubbed them to stop Matt from seeing me cry. I had drifted into a restless sleep about two hours before we were due to land and I dreamed of Isabella the whole time, picturing us standing together on her balcony holding hands and smiling and her suddenly being ripped away from me. I woke up just as the captain announced our descent with tears pouring down my face. I was convinced I must have been talking-or crying- in my sleep because Matt was watching me warily, shooting me curious glances every few seconds. I ignored him, too focused on stopping my tears before mom and dad noticed when we landed to worry too much about what he might have heard. I simply couldn't find it in me to care at the moment; I didn't understand how I could feel this badly when I had only known Bella for a few weeks. I didn't make any sense to me yet I still couldn't help but feel I had left something irreplaceably precious behind; something with the deepest drown eyes I've ever seen and delicious dark hair to match, something with a face almost freakishly similar to my own but still so different and something with a temper so fiery it could most likely rival that of a hell god. Something called Isabella Parichi. And I had the most horrible feeling that I was never going to see her again. It was enough to make me want to hyperventilate, the notion of never being near her again so foreign it could almost be laughable- If it wasn't so terrifying.

When I had decided to come home I had never even considered that I may never see Isabella or Rome again, it was such an impossible idea that it never even crossed my mind. But now, having just crossed an ocean and landing back in reality it didn't seem so implausible. And that thought scared me to the bone. I took and deep breath and forced myself to breathe slowly; in and out and in and out, focusing determinedly on the air entering and leaving my lungs and not the thoughts chasing each other in circles around my head. I had to try and think logically for once, allowing myself to panic wouldn't do me any good it would only make things worse. The last time I had panicked I had ended up on CNN. Now was not the time for another episode like that, especially with Matt sitting beside me with a video recorder in his hands. Slowing down my breathing I tried to put things in order sensibly. Channel Gordo, he always thought rationally, making a list of facts and used them to work everything out. Right, so channelling Gordo...now.

I need to see Bella again. Fact. I don't know how in the world I'm going to do that, it's not like Rome is just around the corner, it's across the world. I have her number. Fact. That makes me feel a little better; at least we'll be able to talk sometimes...if I have the guts to pick up the phone. The phone bill will be way too high to afford on a regular basis. My mood slumps right back down, there's no way my parents will be willing to let me call Italy once a day. I gave Isabella my email address. Fact. Good, so as long as I'm able to make at least one call and tell her to send emails we can still sort of keep in contact. It isn't much, but it makes me feel a little better and I manage a semi-real smile for my mom as we step off the plane. I'll have to remember to thank Gordo sometime and not moan as much about his careful was of thinking from now on.

We got home a couple of hours later and with barely a word simply dumped all our bags inside the front door and trudged tiredly up the stairs and into our beds. It was almost twenty hours since Isabella had left me at the hotel and yet it felt like a lifetime ago already. The night we had shared just over a day ago seemed so far removed from this reality I was beginning to wonder if it was a dream, if I had dreamed the entire last month; it all seemed so impossible now that I was back home in my cluttered bedroom, my clothes scattered everywhere and posters littering the walls. It felt like someone else's room. I felt like an intruder in my own house.

I sighed quietly into my pillow as I lay down and stared at the ceiling; the glow in the dark stars I had put up last year shone palely back at me, silently reminding me of the amazing stars back in Rome. I turned my head to the side and looked out my small bedroom window; all I could see were fluorescent orange street lamps. The sky was dark and blurry, even the moon seemed smaller and paler to me. I sighed again and turned over in my bed, burying my face in the pillow- half expecting Isabella's familiar scent to surround me and being bitterly disappointed when only the scent of the freshly laundered sheets rose up to greet me.


	9. Chapter 9

**hey guys, heres the next chapter...there hasnt been much editing sone to it im afraid since i was in a hurry to get it up. feel free to point out any mistakes or plot holes to me :)..i hope you all like this chapter, the next one will be up soonish, i just need to tidy up the ending a bit and do some editing...expect it in the next few days :D**

**this chapter is for Rosie...im sooo glad youre back lol...and liking this fic, so even better :P**

**xoxox everyone, see you all soon :D**

**Becca**

* * *

I climbed slowly from my bed the next morning, a pounding headache waking me up only hours after I drifted off into a restless sleep. I still felt exhausted as I stumbled across my room to the door; intending to go downstairs to find some painkillers and a tall glass of icy water. I didn't expect anyone else to be up yet and was grateful when I successfully made it down the stairs and back up again without tripping and waking everyone up with my screams. I rubbed my gritty eyes tiredly as I walked back along the hallway to my room and was surprised to see something taped messily to the outside of my door. Squinting at it in bewilderment for several seconds I finally recognised it as a disc box, the kind used in to hold video-recording DVD discs. Matt.

There was a small, messy note taped to the box that I pulled off curiously, it read: Lizzie, I thought you might want this, I already made copies. Matt. I stared at it for a long time before finally un-taping the case from the door and walking slowly back into my room. I slumped down next to my TV and warily opened the box; it was very suspicious of matt to be giving me things, knowing him it was probably another video of me doing something embarrassing that he was planning on sending to CNN again. I slipped the disc suspiciously into the DVD converter and sat back slightly to watch as the menu flickered across the screen. Matt had obviously spent some time on this, making it look authentic. Probably planning on selling them the little sneak. I quickly clicked on the play button, not wanting to see the background any longer. It was a collage of my face, in several different expressions, plastered across the screen over and over again.

As soon as the video began to play I sucked in my breath and nearly switched it off-off my eyes immediately beginning to sting-but forced myself to continue watching. It was the video footage from the night of the VMA's. Matt must have spent every spare moment in the last two weeks editing it to pieces. It was brilliant. He had cut out the screaming of the fans around him and focused the camera only on the stage where me and Isabella stood singing, occasionally the film would pan out and take in the thousands of screaming fans in the arena before swinging back towards the stage. It was an amazing video, I had no idea matt could do something like this. As the video continued to play I felt a strange rush of gratitude for my annoying little brother, it was amazingly sweet of him to give me a copy of this. Even if he was planning on making a profit from the others. The video ended as I finished singing and the noise of the screaming crowd filled the arena again, the final few seconds were a close up of Isabella walking slowly towards me and me beaming back at her as we joined hands and locked eyes before turning to face the crowd. A list of faux credits began to run, accompanied at the end of the list by matt's laughter and a banner proclaiming the film to have been made by 'Tormenting-Lizzie' productions. A weak laugh slipped from my throat as a cartoon of matt's face appeared under the banner, a wagging finger pointed at the camera while the face laughed jokingly out at me.

I was just about to turn off the DVD player when the real life matt popped up on screen and awkwardly began talking to me; telling me the next piece of footage was for me only and that he hadn't added it to the other copies. I was slightly confused by it but sat back and watched anyways as the next part of the video began to play. It was stills of Isabella and me from the last few weeks: I don't know how he got most of them since quite a few were paparazzi- looking shots of me and Bella around Rome. He had slipped them all together in order, starting from before I had even met Isabella with the internet shot of me with Paulo(he now had a moustache and horns) and the giant billboard one of her. It skipped forwards to the night of the VMA's with us on stage singing and then holding hands proudly afterwards. There was one or two shots of the interview afterwards where we had posed together but the rest were of us just hanging out; licking ice creams, laughing, talking animatedly, hugging and sometimes posing for photographers and fans of Bella's. In several we were pulling faces at the camera with our arms wrapped around each other and in others we were staring silently at something. Sometimes each other, but in all of them was the same look in my eyes: I was happy. And it looked like Isabella was too. I dreaded looking in the mirror today; I knew my eyes would be the total opposite.


	10. Chapter 10

**soooo guess what guys?? i am in a really good mood today, ive been chatting to a bunch of people, making plans to meet up with ian, got a hair apt booked, been shopping for loads of cuuute clothes for my holiday and terrified my mothers boyfriend...not a bad days work if i do say so myself :D, which meeeeans, you all get this chapter a couple of days early courtesy of my happines lol :D:D:D...my internet also cut off for a few hours and at first i was really annoyed; but then inspiration hit :) and i decided to get some more work dont on this fic...i am now working on chapter THIRTEEN!!! :D...this is the longest fic ive ever actually written and i dont even seem to be done yet :)....soooo i hope you all enjoy reading this chappie, the next one will be up tomorrow :D **

**the italics are a quick skip back to the present just so you know...its my way of easing myself back into it...only a few more chapters until were back in the present full time i think...maybe in ch15 or there abouts...ENJOY everybody :D:D:D...and feel free to review :P**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

_

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_

School began again two weeks later and it is one of the few things I really remember over the last two years, everything else has mainly seemed like an unimportant blur; dull and almost lifeless without Bella there to add fire and passion to my life, to challenge me and give me the courage to chase my dreams. Everyone noticed it at first, but eventually they all just got used to the 'new me' and learned to accept I'm not who I used to be. Very few people know the real reason why I've changed so much. That'll all change soon I hope. I want the whole world to know. And if Isabella still wants me then soon they will.

As for high school, I was in equal parts dreading and looking forward to it: looking forward to it because it would give me something to do and take my mind off of Isabella and everything that had happened but dreading it because I had no clue what to expect; it was a whole new school- high school and I would just be a tiny insignificant freshman. It was terrifying. Normally I would have talked over all my fears and had a mini freak out with Miranda and Gordo but I hadn't seen much of either of them since I got back; mainly because I had been secluding myself from everyone- staying in my room most days and only coming out to eat occasionally when my mom forced me to. They had both stopped by a few times- not long enough to get me to 'open up to them' but we had made plans to meet up the morning before school and catch the bus together instead of separately like we normally would have and I had learned all about Miranda's summer in Mexico city and about the science convention Gordo had gone to for a week after he came back from Rome.

On my part I kept quiet; answering in vague detail and changing the subject as often as possible. I wasn't ready to talk yet, I was still trying my hardest not to regret my decision to leave, talking about all the amazing experiences I had had in the last two weeks of my stay in Italy hurt too much and caused me to miss Isabella so badly I wanted to curl up and cry. I couldn't and wouldn't let Gordo and Miranda see me like that, if they did it would raise far too many questions and I was terrified I would actually give them the answers. That I would tell them everything.

Starting high school wasn't as bad as I thought it would be; while the school was huge compared to middle school it was fairly easy to figure out what was where: each level was marked by a letter making it much easier to figure out the rooms once we got there. I had to explain several times to Miranda that room 17D was up on the fourth floor and that room 22A was on the ground level and how I knew. I think she eventually got it but she spent most of the day grumbling anyway. I'd missed her I thought with a smile; one of the few id shown in the weeks since wed returned from Rome. We didn't see Gordo much the first day since he was in a different form group than us but we all managed to sit together at lunch and shared a few laughs over our more eccentric teachers. It was about halfway through our lunch break that the weirdness started:

At first it was only one or two people glancing our way and I thought I was just imagining it- being paranoid, but then more and more people were looking our- or more specifically my- way as well as whispering and occasionally pointing. It was then that Kate appeared. I was confused to say the least, we hadn't spoken since I returned from Rome and while we had become friends again during the trip I was well aware that once we came back we would go back to ignoring each other like we had been doing for the past three years. But all those thought fled from my mind with the words that tumbled from her over glossed lips as she flung herself down into the seat next to me and whispered frantically "they know... Lizzie they _all_ know; about Italy, Paulo, Isabella. Everything." I immediately froze, images of my last night in Italy replaying over and over in my head: images of Bella, of me, of us together; riding out of Rome, standing on her balcony with her arms around me, trembling with pleasure in her bed for hours...

I was finally snapped out of my memories by the constant worried chanting of my name by Miranda and Gordo and found myself shaking almost violently. Thankfully I was shielded from view of the rest of the lunchroom by the three bodies gathered around me. I managed to stop shaking long enough to rasp out a single question before I felt myself slip into unconsciousness "how?" I whispered as the whole room spun uncontrollably around me and my mind looked over every possible terrifying scenario of how everyone had found out about Isabella and me. Kate's answer was lost as I felt myself slowly slip from my seat. The last feeling I knew before everything went black was my head slamming numbly onto the tabletop- thoughts of Isabella still racing through my mind even as I fell to the floor in a heap.

When I finally regained consciousness it was hours later and my mom was sitting beside me in the school infirmary; Gordo was hovering in the background nervously while Miranda was standing in the far corner with a slight scowl on her face. I frowned when I saw it, what was she so upset about? I was the one who had made a fool of myself by fainting in front of the whole school. As soon as she saw I was awake she glared at me for a moment and then declared she needed to get to her last class while bolting for the doorway. Gordo called after her and started for the doorway too before stopping suddenly and sighing loudly. He made his way cautiously over to my side and smiled at me while my mom fretted; muttering under her breath and smoothing out my hair. My head felt groggy and weird and all I could think of was Kate launching herself at our table while the words "they know they know they know" chanted in dizzying circles around my head.


	11. Chapter 11

**heeey!! guys....so here it is :D..a few hours early..but that a good thing...right?? lol...i hope you all like it...tell me what you think K?? :D...and again, the italics are a sort of skip back to the present times just so you know :)....next chapter up tomorrow sometime...its gonna be short just to warn you, but hopefully its worth it ;)**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

The next few weeks were ridiculous, everywhere I went people pointed or stared. I could barely move down the corridor without someone coming up to speak to me or a new rumour circulating wit every step I took. My fainting trick on the first day hadn't helped either, and getting sent home early had only worsened things. It wasn't so bad though, I breathed a sigh of relief every time I heard one of the rumours if only because none of them seemed to link me and Isabella together as more than friends. If there had been even a hint of something more going around I'm pretty sure I would have fainted several hundred more times in the first couple of weeks alone. But my initial fears seemed to be totally unjustified. I actually began to feel a little silly for such an extreme reaction that first day; of course there was no way anyone could have known about me and Isabella: the only time anything had happened was that last night, and we were so far away from everything out there in her huge old house that nothing and no one could have got near us.

Eventually things calmed down again; the seniors seemed to have decided that one little freshman wasn't worthy off all the attention I had been getting and restored order by the end of the third week. I was finally back to being invisible little Lizzie McGuire. Well, almost. I seemed to somehow have gained at least ten new friends from my year group, and at least three of them I genuinely liked hanging out with. At first I thought they were all just hanging off the popularity trail but even when that had died down they still seemed to like me, and I really began to enjoy spending time with them too. I managed to make up with Miranda about a week after she stormed out of the infirmary, it took gordo several days of persuading to convince her to come and apologise to me and for him to try and summon up some reasons she would believe as to why I hadn't told her every in-depth detail of my trip to Rome. I managed to get gordo to fill her in on most of it, at least up until his departure with the school. Everything after that I was keeping to myself. I wasn't willing to share my memories of Isabella with anyone, not when they were all I had left of her.

Matt had gone back to his old self; tormenting me almost daily and attempting to get me on film doing something ridiculous, he seemed to have developed a disturbing habit of taking days off though. It freaked me out a little, especially since they always seemed to happen the day after I spent the night tossing and turning or having a nightmare. Isabella seemed determined to haunt me. At least twice a week I was still being woken up by my dreams, dreams of her, and of us. They were horrible; sometimes all I could picture was her face over and over repeating the words she had said to me as she left, tears streaming down her face the whole time. On other nights we would be standing on her balcony like we had that night, her front to my back and overlooking the city when suddenly she would be wrenched away from me. I would try to grip her arms and pull her back towards me but somehow she just seemed to get further and further away. It was usually after these dreams that I woke up with tears soaking my pillow and gluing my hair to my face. It was ridiculous. I had only known her for a little over two weeks; I shouldn't be feeling like this. It didn't make any sense but it scared me witless, I wasn't used to having feelings this strong- for anyone. But here I was, still pining away after over a month. More than double the time we had spent together and yet I still wanted her just as much as I had on the night I lost my virginity to her.

I hadn't contacted her since I came home, just as she hadn't tried to reach me. I knew it was wrong of me not to have at least emailed her but I was just so confused that even the idea of talking to her through a computer terrified me, but at the same time my hand twitched every time I walked past the phone. The compulsion to hear her voice again was almost enough to make me scream and cry with want and need and despair and hurt. It was awful, and it was confusing and I had no idea what to do. Or even who I was anymore.

_After that things began to get a little blurry: my schoolwork improved hugely I know that because when I think back on the last two years I get the strong impression of books and numbers and a long list of As and Bs: studying was the only thing I could think of to keep my attention away from Isabella and firmly in the present. Apart from that nearly everything else is just a vague memory, I would say it was like a dream but I barely remember what those are anymore. It has been so long since I fully slept, since I fully lived that the only real dream I remember now is the one that still haunts me. _

Before I knew it seven months had passed since I started high school and it was nearly time for spring break. I had no idea where the time had gone, when I looked back over the last few months the only thing that stood out in my memory was my nightmares and the occasional fun day with Miranda and Gordo. It would have worried me more normally that I could barely remember anything but recently I hadn't been able to care much about anything. But then my birthday arrived. Spring break had been over for a few weeks now and it was April, my mom had insisted I have a party since it was my sixteenth. I couldn't have cared less, thinking about it now I'm pretty sure I was severely depressed, I'd just got good at hiding it and passing it off as teenager stuff. But I don't think my mom was totally fooled, I think she thought my birthday would cheer me up a bit. She had no idea how right she was.

The house was filled with people; all of my friends from school, as well as some people I didn't know all that well. Kate had shown up at some point too, while we were still far from friends, last summer had drawn us closer together and we at least on a casual talking basis if nothing else. I liked having her around; she gave me another link to Italy, just like gordo and Ethan. It was reassuring to remember other people had been there, that I really hadn't just imagined everything like I sometimes dreamed I had. She came over and talked to me for a little while before drifting off to go and hang out with some of my cooler friends, and I was left just standing on the sidelines; looking out into the garden where everyone was talking and laughing and having fun. I was just about to go and join them- force myself to smile for a few hours- when the phone rang.


	12. Chapter 12

**so no introduction for this one, no explaination...just....enjoy :D**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

I froze in place; one foot outside on the patio, one still in the living room as I turned my head slowly to look at the phone ringing noisily on the kitchen counter. There was something odd about it ringing in the middle of my party that just seemed strange to and yet filled me with a buzzing nervous energy at the same time. I could feel my heart beat speeding up as though I was getting ready to run for my life and yet I didn't move. Instead I just continued to stare at the shrieking piece of plastic-my eyes wide and my hands shaking- until my mom swept into the kitchen and smoothly picked it up with her usual greeting. I watched as her face clouded in confusion for a second and my heart sped up even more. I could feel sweat start to bead across my forehead as a smile formed on her face as she greeted the person on the phone happily and I felt my fingers clench tightly when she turned to look around the room before her eyes landed on me and she called out my name. The phone call was for me.

I was shaking by the time I reached for the handset and looked pleadingly up at my mom for the answer to who was on the other end of the line. She simply smiled encouragingly at me and gestured towards the phone and my ear. I scowled at her slightly and she took the hint to leave. I watched her until she was outside and then turned my attention warily back to the phone in my hand. I breathed in deeply for several seconds until I finally gathered the courage to raise the phone to my ear. I think I already somehow knew who was on the other end even before I whispered a shaky hello into the mouthpiece and received only one word in response. The word I had both been dreading and dying to hear.

"Lizzie"

I started to shake violently the second I heard her breathe my name and closed my eyes tightly to ward off the sudden tears of relief at the sound of her voice. Her husky accent sounding even stronger now than it had last year and my already pounding heart felt like it was about to stampede its way out of my chest. My grip on the phone tightened painfully as it became harder and harder to breathe normally as I tried to make sense of my now racing thoughts and control the scream of both relief and hysteria that was gathering in my throat. Isabella.


	13. Chapter 13

**well here it is..one day early and special delivery just for kitty :P...you happy now kitty!? lol**

**to everyone else NOT harassing me day and night ;) lol... enjoooy! :D:D:D...not much else to say about this chapter except that...and that its kinda a turning point chapter i think :)...oh and for you rosie, theres some more isabella in this one for you :D**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

I sank down heavily in one of the kitchen stools as I tried to gather the strength to speak. I think I must have let the mental whimper that ran through my mind escape my lips because her roughened voice washed over the line again; concerned and rushed this time. I let out yet another shaky breath and tried to draw one back in as I choked out a quiet reassurance. I heard her sigh in relief and a small smile found its way to my lips as the realisation finally hit me. Isabella was calling me. She was on the phone right now, talking to me. My Bella.

I laughed brightly suddenly and if she had been in the room probably would have launched myself at her. Instead I settled for whispering her name over and over to myself as I laughed again and the tears that had been gathering in my eyes finally spilled over and trailed uselessly down my face. I don't know how long I sat for just murmuring quietly to myself and laughing occasionally but eventually I realised she was saying something to me and I immediately focused my attention back onto her words. I smiled the first true smile I had all day as she wished me a happy birthday in slightly stilted English but then frowned as I realised something. Her voice didn't sound happy; it wasn't full of the passion and fire I had come to expect from everything she said. It had always been so full of life before, even when it came to simple things like saying thank you or ordering us dinner. Now though, it sounded almost as dead as mine.

Pain ripped through me at the sound of the defeated tone in her voice. This wasn't what I wanted; when I left it had been so I could work everything out, not just about Isabella but about everything that had happened in the month where my life had changed completely. I had wanted to put everything in perspective and somehow slot it all in neatly with my regular life. I hadn't wanted this to happen: To either of us, but especially not to her. She wasn't supposed to suffer like I was; she was supposed to be happy and vibrant and screaming her heart out on stage. Having fun, being happy. Not turning into the same shell of a person that I was becoming and only being able to remember what it felt like to be alive. Shame and guilt flooded my heart as I realised just what I had done to us, both of us. I had left to find myself and had only ended up making us both lose ourselves instead.

A sob tore from my throat suddenly, washing away all the happiness I had felt in the first few minutes of the call and before I knew it I was breaking down: tears of shame and regret pouring down my cheeks as I sobbed harshly down the phone: begging forgiveness over and over while rambling apologies spilled from my lips. All the pain and fear and just plain sadness from the last few months seemed to swell up like a crushing tidal wave at that moment as I finally came crashing down. It had taken nearly eight months but what I had feared would happen if I stayed in Italy had happened anyway. I had crashed and I was burning.

For the next hour all the feelings of the past few months poured from me in a steady stream of pain and regret. And the whole time Isabella just patiently listened; offering quiet murmurings of comfort every so often and whispering short phrases of Italian down the line to me. I didn't understand what they meant on the most part, but they calmed me somehow and helped me find the words I needed to express everything I was feeling. And had been feeling. I talked and I explained and she listened and for the first time in months I felt like I could actually breathe again. I told her of all the jumbled feelings I had had about leaving, stumbled over my explanation of the feelings she had brought about in me and the difficulty I had with leaving her. I told her about the times I had cried at night and the video matt had made, I cried as I whispered how much the first few weeks without her had hurt and finally succeeded in explaining my reasoning behind everything. And when I was finished she just softly murmured that she knew. That she had understood from the very beginning, she knew why I had to leave and she didn't blame me for it.

I had forgotten how perceptive she could be.

By now I had completely forgotten about my party and all the people swarming through both my house and back yard, I was surprised that none of them had interrupted me; I had been talking for well over an hour and a half. The thought that someone might have overheard my conversation worried me slightly but I couldn't seem to force myself to drag up the fear and uncertainty that had haunted me for months. It was as though just talking to Isabella on the phone was enough to sooth me and make me more confidant and sure if myself. It was just like that first night at the IMVA's: she had convinced me to sing and made me feel invincible. Like I could do anything, and like together we could fly. I smiled a little into the phone at my thoughts and whispered so quietly that I didn't think she would even hear me "I've missed you Bella"

I heard her take in a deep breath at my words and I froze a little, my body going tense as I waited for her reaction. After several moments of silence I decided she wasn't going to answer and sighed silently in disappointment. What had I been expecting? I had left her and ignored her for seven months; I could hardly expect her to still feel the same way. But then... "I 'ave missed you too. My lizzie"

And with those simple words my life seemed to have meaning again. They were a light in the darkness that had been surrounding me for months. I could feel a smile stretching its way across my face as I felt my heart rate pick up and everything around me suddenly seemed all that much more interesting. I beamed into the silence of the kitchen for several minutes, basking as Isabella's words rang in my mind _my Lizzie._


	14. Chapter 14

**so chapter 14 is here :D...y'know, this fic is almost double the length of the longest fic ive ever written for this site and its not even nearly finished yet lol :D...so as usual i hope you all enjoy this chapter, i know its short but i wanted to put kitty out of her misery-and stop fearing for my health :P hahah- since she thinks im gonna be killing off lizzie...im NOT! so you can quit worrying lol :P im just evil and like to torture you :D :P**

**to everyone else i hope youll like the chappie(despite my ramblings :P ) and will leave me a leeetle review to tell me what you thought...be it good or bad...anonymous reviews are also welcome :D...and thats about it...so enjoy, ignore me and go read :D:D:D**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

For the next few hours I sat in the kitchen and we just talked: about nothing, and about everything. She told me about her latest C.D and about how she had recently seen Paolo working in a fast food joint, and I told her about Miranda's latest fashion disasters and about matt's new hamster. She asked about school and I droned on about my boring classes and my evil teachers and she laughed along at the "horror stories" I told her about the cafeteria food. She told me about how her assistant had died her hair blue and she laughed as she groaned about the latest creation _Franka _had tried to make her wear. I didn't care about the party winding down outside or that I was being rude to all my friends. For the first time in months I was truly happy: my laughter wasn't forced and rare, my smiles weren't brittle and when I nearly fell of my stool laughing as Isabella whined about a diva pop star she had had to work with and lapsed into rapid Italian as she got herself worked up over the story I realised why. Isabella made me happy. It was that simple. She made me happy and I had run away from her. Without her I couldn't be happy, I didn't want to be.

When we finally hung up almost a good three hours later I was still smiling from ear to ear; my heart to heart with Isabella had given me new hope: it was as though she had breathed life back into me just when I was ready to give up. Something had changed I knew that much. I felt so much calmer now that I had let everything out, like the giant black stone that had been lodged in my stomach all these months had finally cracked and was slowly crumbling away into tiny much less significant pieces. Isabella had brought me back to life and there was no way I was making the mistake of letting her go again. I remembered that morning on the plane; how I had cried to myself most of the flight and how I had practically vowed that I would keep in contact with her. Because it had seemed so impossible back then not to. I saw now what had been the consequences of not sticking to that vow, I had been right all those months ago: I couldn't survive without her. How was it I had forgotten that all this time?

With that one conversation I was happier than I had been since our last night together in Rome. I wasn't going to forget it again; I didn't ever want to feel as lonely as I had been ever again. Isabella never made me feel lonely, she made me feel loved and safe and secure and on fire all at once. She made me blush like a little girl with the simplest of looks and made me burn like I never had before with the lightest of touches. She made me smile the widest smile I ever had with only a few faltering words and made me want to scream with frustration at her stubborn temper. How could I ever even consider not having her in my life again now that I had the chance? I couldn't, it was impossible. I wanted her back.


	15. Chapter 15

**hey guys, so i really really hope you all like this chapter. unfortunately after this one i will not be updating for at the very least another week, i go on holiday late tomorrow night so unless i have time to write any more before then(very dountful) there will not be any new chapters until i return. i will hopefully be able to get the last few chapter up withing two weeks of coming back :)...i hope youll all keep reading despite the infrequent updates.**

**this chapter is dedicated to everyone who has either reviewed this story so far or PM'd me their thoughts. to all of you thank you so so much, they mean the world to me and have inspired me to keep writing this story :D. thank you to you all for reading so far, i really really hope it wont be too long before i am able to update again.**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

The weeks after my birthday I felt so much lighter, freer I guess. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my soul. I smiled more and laughed happily at several of the jokes my friends and parents made. I was even nicer to matt. It was as though just by talking to Bella for those few hours had caused all my problems and worried to just shrink away until they were almost non-existent. I couldn't believe how happy I felt from just one phone call. The thought that I could have been enjoying my high school life this much all these past months if I had only called Bella left a bitter taste in my mouth. But I couldn't stay down for long, even with that nagging regret in the back of my mind. I was too relieved that she didn't hate me. I was quite surprised really at just how understanding Isabella had been. She may have understood my reasons but I still expected her to be a little angry at me. She was too much of a spitfire not to; I had seen her flare up and rage for hours at the slightest thing, there was no way she was as calm as she appeared. But I was willing to take what I could get. She said that she would call me again soon and the thought that I would soon be talking to her again was enough to make me get up each day and put a little more effort into everything I did.

My friends noticed, I saw the surprise and gladness on their faces each time I laughed along with them, my parents noticed too; I caught my mom just sitting watching me several times- a vague smile drifting on her face as she looked at me. I knew he thought it was her party idea that had caused my mood change, and I was willing to let het think it. She had been so worried about me lately and I felt guilty for the stress I had caused her so if thinking it was her idea that had cheered me up I was glad to let her think it. The one person who didn't seem totally overjoyed at my sudden change of mood was Gordo. I caught him looking at me suspiciously at least once a day; each time he seemed to be searching for something. It worried me a little, gordo had always been perceptive and once he got an idea into his head he was like a pit-bull: hanging on until he had satisfied his curiosity. I really hoped he didn't decide to become curious about me, if he started digging I knew I wouldn't be able to hide everything that had happened from him. He would dig and I would spill everything to him. And who knew what might happen then.

Over the next three months my good mood continued and I was slowly starting to feel like the girl I had been in Rome again; I laughed and I smiled and although I was still a total klutz it didn't bother me nearly so much. Before I knew it the summer holidays had arrived and I was making plans with all my friends for what we were going to be doing during them. It had been almost exactly a year since I went to Rome. Isabella had called me nearly a dozen times since my birthday and each time we had talked and whispered and laughed for hours, I knew it must be murder on her phone bill but I couldn't bring myself to say anything in case she stopped calling. The one thing we had never talked about again since that first conversation was what had happened between us that last night, it hung between us in every conversation but I was too nervous to say anything about it; worried where it might take us if I did and Isabella never brought it up; choosing to wait for me to instead. And so three months had passed and although everything in my life was going much better I could still hear the defeated tone in Bella's voice every time she called: she was good at covering it up, better than I had been but I could still hear it, and it hurt every time I did.

The day school let out for the summer she called again. And everything changed.


	16. Chapter 16

**right, so this is THE last chapter that you're all getting lol...and youre only getting this one since Kitty and Rosie have both been yelling at me about the last- last one lol... and btw you're going to hate me even more after you read this one hahah :P...paybacks a bitch!! hahah...i am sooo evil lol :P you'll get the next one in a week minimum :)..now get lost an go read lol**

**this chapter is dedicated to four people this time :D...first to rosie and kitty(obviously lol) for yelling at me repeatedly and threatening my life haha..its much appreciated :P lol...and secondly to ian and dawn...i know neither of them read this fic- on my insistence- but im still dedicating it to them since im gonna be going stir crazy the next week without talking to either of you..specially my big ol'lion lol.**

**so i hope you all like this chapter, despite the rougher nature of it..its not my best writing im afraid, its had very little editing done to it due to lack of time in getting it written ;)...i even made it a decent length for ya lol... but i hope you all like it anyway and dont completely hate me fot the ending ahaha..i know you will kitty :P**

**and thaaat is it!!! no more chapters till next wednesday at least!!!..and no more death threats please lol :P haha**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

The conversation started off well enough, we talked and laughed and joked about everything that came to mind and although I could tell she had something on her mind from the way her accent was even stronger than usual and her words jerkier I decided to let her bring it up in her own time. To be honest I was slightly worried about what she had to say. And it turns out I was right to be. We had been on the phone for nearly an hour when Isabella finally chose to bring up what it was that she had been thinking about. At first she just casually asked me if I had made any plans with my friends over the holidays and responded with understanding and encouraging noises. But then she started to subtly drop hints about Rome and I felt myself tense up. I knew what was coming, or at least I thought I did: and I was terrified of being proved right- not at all sure what my reaction would be.

When Isabella finally finished telling me about all of the amazing circus's and fashion shows that would be in Italy that summer I knew I was right. I quietly interrupted her just as she launched into another nervous ramble about shows she had been invited to and the spare tickets she was always given. She immediately went silent as my words trickled down the phone line to her before cursing loudly in Italian several times and then sighing heavily. Quietly, in the same defeated tone she had been using for months now she asked me "why?" we sat in silence for several minutes, both of us waiting for me to give her an answer to a question that was both painfully simple and horribly complicated. Why couldn't I come back to Italy for the summer? There were a million reasons. But none of them seemed good enough.

The easiest answer and the one closest to the truth was that that I was confused: Terrified really, the same reason that had stopped me calling her all those months. I didn't understand the feelings I had towards Isabella and that frightened me. They were stronger than any feelings I had ever had for any boy but the fact that Isabella was a girl just made everything even messier in my mind. If I had been having those feelings for a boy it would have been hard enough, but Isabella being a girl just made everything even more complicated. Add to that that I had only actually known her in person for two weeks and it led to me basically being a quivering wreck whenever I tried to work out just what it was I was feeling.

But I couldn't tell Isabella all of that, it didn't even make sense in my own mind, it would just sound silly if I tried to put it into words. Eventually I settled for just mumbling that I couldn't, my mom wouldn't like it, I already had loads of plans booked, and then almost as an afterthought I whispered "I'm sorry Bella, I just can't just now" I don't know if she understood the hidden message behind my last sentence or not but either way I heard her let out a badly hidden sob as I rejected her offer. I knew she wasn't just offering me Italy for the summer, she was offering herself as well: and I had turned her down.

I listened to her sob in silence for a long while, wishing I could take it all back and jump straight onto a plane and into her arms but I was too scared to do a thing. Even open my mouth to offer her some comfort while she cried. Eventually the sound of her sobs slowed down and she managed to choke out a few heavily stilted words that I could only just understand "why Lizzie McGuire, why you are always not being with me? I wait and I wait, for whole year I think you come back to me. But nothing, not even call. And now all you say is _not now_. I do not understand my Lizzie. Do you not love me as I love you? Do you not want me still?"

I was shocked into silence as the words hit me, I had never wanted to cause her so much pain but it seemed like it was all I was doing, every time I rejected her and left her. But she loved me? Something in my heart jumped when she said that and I wanted to dance up and down the house waving my arms and laughing. But I couldn't, because Isabella was crying and it was because of me. She wanted me to say something but I couldn't, I was frozen, in both happiness at her words and sadness at the way she had told me. Part of me wanted to just scream back that I loved her too, but I couldn't. The rational part of me that had sprung up over the last year pulled me back and forced my mouth closed spouting off hundreds of reasons why I couldn't and didn't love her. So I stayed silent, the terror of being sixteen and in love helping to glue my lips tightly together.

Isabella let out another sob and my heart almost screamed its way out of my chest: needing me to do something, to say something to stop her tears, to make her laugh again. But again I didn't and as my own tears flowed rapidly down my cheeks she began to speak again. "I will not call you again lizzie. I see I am not wanted. But I will always be waiting for you _my_ Lizzie McGuire. I will always want you and I will love you. _Anche quando tagliate il mio cuore e non potete levarti in piedi per essere con me lo amerò. Lo aspetterò fino al forever se devo._ Goodbye Lizzie McGuire, I 'ope that you will be always 'appy_._

Before I could do anything other than sink to the floor of my bedroom in tears and sob Isabella had put the phone down and all I could hear was the echo of her pain filled voice and the blaringly final dialling tone. I broke down, sobbing noisily on my floor not even caring that my door was unlocked and that my mom would be home any minute. I didn't care that my makeup was running or than my new clothes were getting wrinkled. I didn't care about anything. I had gone completely numb. The only thing I could feel was the part of my chest where my heart should have been, but it was empty: there was nothing there any more, just a screaming hole where it should have been. Isabella was gone.

_She didn't call me again. And for the last year I have replayed the call in my head over and over again so many times I've made myself dizzy. And every time I do I want to scream in frustration at myself for letting her go, for letting her think I didn't want her. It has taken me a year to finally be able to admit that I Lizzie McGuire am in love- totally and madly- with Isabella Parici: Italian pop singer, paparazzi darling, spitfire extraordinaire and pancake burner. And now I am going to get her back if it kills me._

**Very very rough translation of the Italian used...sorry to any Italian speakers if it isn't entirely accurate **

*_ Anche quando tagliate il mio cuore e non potete levarti in piedi per essere con me lo amerò. Lo aspetterò fino al forever se devo =_ _even when you cut out my heart and cannot stand to be with me I will love you. I will wait for you until forever if I have to._


	17. Chapter 17

**sooo just because im so damn awesome lol i searched the whoooole of peurto polenca until i found an internet cafe haha JUST so i could post this for you all...so be veeeery grateful!! hahah lol....i even made it a decent length..SHOCKER!! :P lol jk**

**so i hope you all like this one, my ramblings have to be cut short in this AN luckily for you because my battery is about to die! so just enjoy, REVIEW and come back for more on wednesday night(?) :D**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

For the entire summer holidays I was miserable: I blew off most of the plans I had made with my friends and they in turn began to blow off me whenever I called. I guess they had finally gotten tired of my constant depression. I had several fights with Miranda over the smallest things and we ended up not talking for most of the holidays. The only one who didn't seem to give up on me was Gordo: he called me constantly and practically dragged me out of the house at least once a week. But nothing he did helped: I still cried myself to sleep almost every night and woke up puffy eyed and dry throated every morning. The nightmares I had first had after leaving Rome the year before came back but instead of Isabella being torn away she was running: wrenching her hands from mine and screaming at me before running as far away as she could while I was stuck, frozen where she had left me; tears streaming down my face and a scream lodged in my throat.

But Gordo didn't know any of that. And every time he pulled me from my house the urge to just scream it all out grew stronger and stronger. I had to clench my teeth together painfully whenever he asked if I wanted to talk about what was bugging me. I wanted nothing more than to just tell _someone_ everything that had happened, and who better than Gordo right? He already knew half of the story. He had been there for most of it after all. But I was terrified of what his, or anyone's reaction would be to the news that not only did I have feeling for another girl but I had slept with her. When I was only fifteen years old and that even now a year later I can't get her out of my head. How was I supposed to tell someone any of that? Let alone the fact that I had broken her heart and she in turn had broken mine.

Eventually though I couldn't stand it anymore: It had been a month and a half since I had last spoken to Isabella and summer vacation was almost over. I had barely seen any of my friends the entire time and had spent the entire day crying on the one year anniversary of the day I met Isabella. I had spent the day holed up in my room: my old stuffed pig clutched close to me while I re- watched the video matt had made me over and over again, tears pouring down my face the entire time and muffled sobs escaping my throat. It was two days before school started again that I finally cracked and spilled everything to Gordo.

He had dragged me out for coffee at our old regular hang out; the _digital bean_ and had been trying once again- unsuccessfully- to make me tell him what I was always so depressed about when one of Isabella's songs came on. It was so unexpected that tears had instantly filled my eyes and begun to pour down my cheeks. Gordo jumped up from his place next to me and immediately crouched down at my side: gathering me into a tight hug while I sobbed uncontrollably in his arms. After a few minutes it was obvious I wasn't going to stop crying anytime soon Gordo helped me shakily stand up and led me slowly out of the cafe: keeping a protective arm around me the whole time both to ward off the stared and to give me some privacy to hide my tears.

I had no idea where he was taking me but I nearly collapsed in relief when I realised we were entering his house. I couldn't have handled seeing my parents just then: they were already worried about me as it was, I had even heard them talking about the possibility of a councillor. Seeing me in this state would have just sent them into a panic. Thankfully Gordo's parents weren't home from work yet and wouldn't be for a while Gordo assured me. He led me up to his room, gently rubbing my shoulders occasionally and muttering quietly but other than that staying silent. I was grateful to him for that; I didn't have it in me to make any response to anything he might have said anyway. When we reached his room he immediately led me over to my favourite chair in his room; a giant squishy bean bag seat. I curled up in it as I tried to calm myself down a little while Gordo slipped back downstairs for a few minutes. He returned with a box of tissues, two huge glasses of chocolate shake and a serious expression on his face. I sighed, knowing what was to come and found myself strangely resigned to the idea of letting Gordo in on my secret. I smiled painfully at him as he took a seat across from me on his desk chair; wheeling it over to me and sliding the seat down far enough that we were almost eye level- even with me nearly lying down.

It started out easily enough; Gordo seemed content to just wait until I had finished scrubbing at my face with the tissues before he started asking his questions. I stalled for as long as I could, focusing on evening out my breathing and stopping the flow of tears while wiping carefully at every inch of skin; trying to dry every inch of tear soaked skin that was just further proof to me that Isabella was truly gone. Eventually though my entire face was rubbed dry and my chocolate shake was gone. I had no other way to put off the inevitable. And to be honest I didn't really want to, the relief of sharing my secret outweighed whatever bad reaction Gordo might have about it.

I glanced up to see him watching me quietly a patient look spread across his face. He opened his mouth slightly, obviously going to ask me something so I just smiled slightly at him; simultaneously telling him that I was fine and silently begging for just a little more time. His mouth closed with a small snap and I closed my eyes tightly: taking a deep breath in as I began telling him of the secret I had been carrying for over a year now: of my love? For Isabella and the torture I was now going through from having so cruelly pushed her away.


	18. Chapter 18

**hey guys so this chapter is kinda short and its actually incomplete buuut i decided since i havent updated in aaaages id put it up anyway and just have it split over two chapters...otherwise it would be about 2500 words or something lol...i dont know when the next update will be, hopefully not longer than a week but since life it totally hectic right now since i just started my final year at school today i cant be entirely sure...soooo i hope you all like this chapter, if you hate it and want me to just get onto the reunion stuff then tell me and ill try and edit this chappie out and sorta gloss over this convo thingy...i just thought this way would give some more insight into what lizzie was feeling those two weeks with bella and stop me hating the whiny bitchy way ive written her so much...aaaand im rambling again lol...sorry, REEEEALLLY shitty first day back at school and im missing my friends...**

**so im gonna shut up now and try not to depress you any more...ill try and get ch19 finished this weekend but no promises im afraid :(...and i guess ill just see ya when i see ya :)...i really hope youll carry on reading even if the updates start to get a little spacey in the next few weeks...i juat dont want to rush the ending and ruin the whole fic is all :)**

**xoxox**

**Becca...oh, and ps..sorry about the crappy ending on this one...ill try and thread the next ch straight onto it so its not too jumpy :/**

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I started with the night he left Rome with the rest of the school. The day after the IMVA's. I ignored his confused look that asked me what the events of last year had to do with why I was upset _now _and continued with my story. I knew he wouldn't interrupt me and would understand soon enough anyway.

_I had wanted to say goodbye properly since I was going to be staying another two weeks with my parents. Isabella had offered to give me a ride to the airport to save my parents the trip and to get to know "the girl who had saved her career a little better" I had accepted, still a little star_ _struck around her and amazed at the similarities in our looks. I soon found out that she was the complete opposite of me in every other way though. We sat in awkward silence for most of the rip to the airport, taking the occasional long glance at the other and smiling embarrassedly when caught. When we reached the airport Isabella's driver came around to open the door for us. Just as I was about to step out of the car she reached out and gripped my arm slightly; pulling me back while we waited for her body guard to arrive. I was too busy staring at her in shock to listen to her garbled reasoning though: my arm felt like it was on fire from where she had touched it. It was both terrifying and amazing: The burning rippling sensation that spread across my arm and outwards until my whole body was suddenly engulfed in a hot prickling wave. I hadn't felt anything like except when I was singing on stage and Isabella had grabbed my hand and hugged me at the end of the show; making me realise what I had just done. _

_My arm still burned where she had touched me even after the fiery wave retreated, and looking down I saw why: Isabella was still lightly touching me; her hand wrapped loosely around the skin of my wrist while she talked quietly into her phone in Italian. I looked down again at my hand; studying it closely, trying to work out why I had suddenly had such a strange reaction now. Maybe it was something I had eaten? The fruit I had for breakfast had looked a little strange: some weird spiky pink thing. Maybe that was it. I was having an allergic reaction to it. Ten hours later. Nothing else made sense: I wasn't on a stage, filled with adrenaline and surrounded by screaming fans. There was only me and Isabella now._

I stopped here and glanced up at Gordo to see his reaction. He was looking at me curiously like I was some new science experiment. It made me a little uncomfortable, but I could see the cogs in his mind turning while he processed everything I had said so far and he didn't look disgusted like I thought he would. Instead it was almost like a tiny puzzle piece had slipped into place. One of many I was sure. He noticed me watching him after a few seconds and tilted his head to the slide slightly; urging me to continue, telling me he was listening. And not judging. I smiled tiredly at him and turned to bury my face in the furry sides of my bean-chair for a minute while I breathed deeply, then I sat up sharply and carried on with my story; giving Gordo my perspective on the last time he had seen me before I came home completely changed.

_We finally got inside the airport fifteen minutes later and I immediately began to worry. I couldn't see my school group anywhere that I looked. Isabella walked beside me, talking angrily to her bodyguard. He had been late and since Isabella didn't want to go into such a crowded place without him we had been stuck in the car. I couldn't tell what she was saying since they were talking in Italian but I was guessing from the way Isabella's arms were flying angrily and her bodyguard was staring ashamedly at the floor that she was not used to being kept waiting and she was letting him know it. I heard my name mentioned several times as well and glanced around each time; tearing my eyes away from their frantic search to check if I was being talked to. I wasn't so I carried on looking for my school; listening out for Ms. Ungermire's angry screech down her headset._

_I thought I saw a flash of Gordo's curly mop through the crowd and immediately started off in that direction. I didn't get more than a few meters ahead before I felt the burning sensation start again. Just as a hand gripped my shoulder and Isabella's voice filled my head with a worried screech of "lizzie!" I stared at her in shock; wondering what she was so worried about. I was only looking for Gordo. I didn't even bother to work out why my shoulder was still tingling this time: too worried that id miss the chance to say goodbye to my best friend. _


	19. Chapter 19

**hey guys, sorry its so short but i hope y'all enjoy this chappie anyways, ill try and get the next one up within the next week :)**

**this ch is a direct continuation of ch18 btw, so you miht need to go back and read the last couple of lined of that one so you dont get confused :)**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

_

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_

She must have caught sight of my confused and frantic expression since her own hawk like one relaxed slightly and her grip on my shoulder loosened. She rubbed my shoulder gently with her perfectly manicured hand, sending tingles rippling down my spine before reaching down smoothly and gripping my hand. A fresh wave of heat swept through me with every touch of her fingers moving against my own as she led me quickly back over to her bodyguard and we began moving slowly through the bustling crowds of the airport together. I was so focused on Isabella's hand in mine and the sensations that were sweeping through me with every tiny movement that I didn't even notice the pass being slipped around my neck or us moving into the normally restricted boarding area where my whole class was standing while ms Ungermire screamed into her headset. It was only when Dexter –Isabella's bodyguard- tapped me politely on the shoulder and nodded towards the group that I realised what was going on. I tore my hand reluctantly from Isabella's and flew towards the group; wrapping my arms tightly around Gordo when I reached him and smiling brightly over at Kate.

I paused again and glanced worriedly up at gordo from my curled position on the bean bag chair: he was sitting staring at me in shock this time. I think he was finally beginning to understand what I was saying, as to how it was all related to my mood swings recently though, he was still clueless. But even that would make sense soon enough, and I was sure once he found out what I had done he would hate me. I glanced down again for a moment; studying the arms of my seat as if they were the most fascinating thing I had ever seen and trying to work out how to say the words that would reveal to my best friend the life changing secrets I had been keeping- even from him- for the last year. I didn't have to say anything though; gordo did that for me. In a choked, whispery kind of mumble that seemed to almost tumble from his mouth against his will.

"I remember that" I glanced at him in surprise while he seemed to stare into space: his eyes fixed on my face but unfocused, as if he was dredging up every single detail from the day I had just described and was seeing it from a whole new angle.

"you seemed different already" he started again, his eyes slipping to my face guiltily for a minute before slipping back into their unfocused state as the rest of his jumbled thoughts slipped from his lips and into my stunned ears.

"I saw you when you came in; you looked so peaceful and at the same time terrified. I didn't know what to think, but then you sort of 'woke up' almost, and the next thing I knew you were hugging me and you and Kate were talking and then we were on the plane on the way home. But I noticed it, I did. I just never got a chance to ask you what that expression was about before we had to leave and then when you came back you were so different and it just slipped my mind. But you almost looked like you were in a trance that day; it was amazing; I could almost see you sparkling you were so calm. I never thought about it before, but it was because of her wasn't it? Isabella. I thought you were holding hands with her that day because that's just what you girls do, but it wasn't was it? Lizzie, were you _in love_ with Isabella?

I stared at him, stunned and unable to answer. Gordo was even smarter than I had thought. When I didn't answer him quickly enough he amended hesitantly "_are_ you in love with her. Still, as in right now?"


	20. Chapter 20

**hey guys, hope you like this new ch....i personally do not!...no idea why, it just doesnt sit right with me for some reason...i think ive made lizzie just a little too OCC in this one..and its just gone all blaaahh...i also feel like ive made a major plot hole somewhere and havent yet realised or filled it yet :/...so overall, not a very good, or very long for that matter ch but i hope that at least some of you will like it and send me a few reviews to cheer me up since i seem to be becoming more and more depressed my the minute :(...i think i seriously will consider just moving back to spain, this country is just too dreary for me :/**

**but anyways, i hope you dont hate it toooo much and feel very free to point out any mistakes, either plot, character or otherwise that ive made, it would actually really help since something about this is really nagging at me but i cant seem to work out what it is**

**xoxox- till next time...hopefully it wont be too far away and ill be less of a bore :)**

**Becca**

_**

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**_

I stared at him, stunned and unable to answer. Gordo was even smarter than I had thought. When I didn't answer him quickly enough he amended hesitantly "are you in love with her. Still, as in right now?"

I continued to stare at him silently for several tense minutes: my breath stuck somewhere unreachable in my throat and tears slowly building up in my eyes; making everything swim blurrily in front of me. I finally managed to draw in a breath and opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. My thoughts were still trapped, frozen solid in my head- Gordo's question chugging sluggishly in amongst them, trying to form them into something vaguely recognisable. But it was no good; I couldn't answer his question. I COULDN'T. I was barely able to admit to myself what I was feeling for Isabella, there was no way I would be able to admit the complexity of it to Gordo and have him simply label it as love or not-love. It seemed too easy and clichéd somehow. What I felt for Isabella couldn't just be summed up that easily and slid into some boringly marked box.

Did I 'love' her? Yes, of course I did. Did that one word make sense of everything she made me feel? Did it explain the feelings that ripped through me even at the sound of her name? Did it tell everyone the way my heart soared and threatened to stop beating every time she said my name in her delicious accent or looked at me with her heavily lidded smoky eyes? Did it immediately make everyone understand the reason I had happily handed over my virginity to a girl I had only known two weeks, or make them hear the way I had moaned her name that night and made her scream in return?

No. it didn't, it didn't even come close and that was why I couldn't answer Gordo's question. How could anyone understand the complexity of the feelings I had. I was only sixteen; they would all just see it as a childish crush, an act of teenaged rebellion maybe. They would never understand they way she made my heart sing or the way I would turn into a jittery nervous wreck with just one simple look or sidelong glance in my direction. So of course I loved her, it was impossible after everything and because of everything not to, but I didn't tell Gordo that, instead I just looked at him in silence. Calm now I continued on with my story, thinking of Isabella for long periods of time always seemed to clear my head; it was almost as though she was there with me. But it hurt, it hurt like nothing else ever could and talking about it was almost worse in a way. But I needed to tell someone, I was going to go insane if I didn't. So with one last long look to check he could handle hearing more I continued. And let Gordo finally understand a little more about how the happy innocent best friend he had once known had turned into the depressed lonely girl sitting across from him.


	21. Chapter 21

**so, after several weeks of radio silence from me here it is, FINALLY an update on this fic. now, its unedited, unrefined and quite frankly a bit rubbish but im afraid its going to have to do for now. its the first time in nearly a month that ive been able to get ANYTHING down for this particular fic due to both depression and hectic coursework SO! its going up right now so im not tempted to scrap it YET AGAIN and start over. because quite frankly i dont have the energy to stress over this fic as well as the rest of my life and if i have to (as i always do) nitpick every tiny detail of it then ill (a) go insane and (b) probably end up hating this fic and losing aaall inspiration i have left on it. since i reeeeally dont want that to happen, as i actually do enjoy writing this story- despite the cringeworthy grammar i keep finding in it- and want to see it finished. **

**so, now that you all know my excuses for bringing you this rather lame, extremely OOC and quite frankly off the plot chapter i hope you all enjoy, will never listen to a word i have to say when im in moods like these and will review if you have time....and as always i own absolutely nothing of this fic except the rather warped, plot hole filled plot :P**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

_

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_

Isabella took me out that night, she claimed I needed to be cheered up immediately or I would spend the next two weeks pining for my friends and not enjoy myself properly. Anything was better than having matt interrogating me all night so I agreed. She convinced my mom in seconds despite the fact I was supposed to be grounded and before I knew it we were racing hand in hand through the streets, laughter tumbling from my mouth every few seconds as Isabella shrieked and screamed happily at the stars in Italian. She was getting us odd looks from the tourists wandering about all around us and good natured cat calls from the passing locals who instantly recognised her but I didn't even care. It was impossible not to want to join in with her, especially when she sent me a dazzling smile and gripped my hand tighter in return when I did so.

_We ended up in an up-scale club, dancing to the heavy beat being pounded from the speakers and drinking greedily from the colourful concoctions that were pressed into my hands every few minutes by Isabella. There was no alcohol in them I'm sure, the unbeatable high that I was floating in was all down to the girl dancing beside me, her own drink swirling wildly in its glass as she lost her self in the music around us. When I felt the light touch of someone's hands on my hips, gently guiding them in time to the music as they moved steadily against my back I immediately froze up: this was my first time in a real club and I had heard horror stories about them from both my mom and from Miranda. Not that Miranda had ever actually __**been **__to a club herself, but still. I relaxed again quickly though when I felt the hot brush of the strangers mouth against my ear breathing words of reassurance into my brain; making it fog up with a dizzying red heat and causing my body to go almost limp at the sudden sensation flooding through me. _

_We danced together for the next several hours; her moving tauntingly behind me while I tried just to stay on my feet and not collapse every time her mouth brushed my ear when she leaned in to talk to me. It was pitch black when we finally left the bright lights and pounding music of the club behind us and stumbled our way back to Isabella's hotel. There was no possible way I could go back to my own at that time of the night; it was closer to morning than anything else. We stumbled our way through the charmingly cobbled streets, cursing quietly every time our heels got stuck and giggling loudly when we both stumbled over each other in the inky darkness. _

_By the time we got back to her hotel we could barely stand, my feet were throbbing so much I swore I would never walk again and Isabella murmured her agreement as we blearily dragged each other through the doorway. I let go of her waist once we were inside the room and stumbled my way towards the couch where I planned on collapsing and never waking back up. I was stopped when Isabella's hand curled quickly through mine and dragged me swiftly into the bedroom instead. I was too tired to protest and when she pushed me lightly towards the bed I happily complied and flopped down face first while Isabella went to find us both something to wear for the night._

_We didn't wake up until noon the next day and even then it was only because of the insistent ringing of my phone from somewhere underneath me. I untangled myself from the comfortable jumble of arms and legs we had somehow wrapped ourselves into the night before and had to fight the furious blush that rose to my face when I saw just how tightly we were wound around one another. It only got worse when Isabella opened bleary eyes and blinked up at me owlishly from where her head was resting: buried mouth down in my neck. I had to leave soon after that, my mom had been the one calling me; asking if I had had fun but also insisting it was time for me to come back and spend some time with her and my dad. Isabella dropped me back of outside the hotel, giving me a slow and lingering hug as we parted as well as the usual cheek-kisses. _

_My face was read by the time I finally found my way inside. There was just something about Isabella that had me turning into a blushing gibbering wreck of nerves. And I didn't even care, she had made me feel so unselfconscious all of the night before that I found myself wanting to hang off of her every world, revel in her every touch and rejoice in every laugh I made her emit. It was crazy, and it was insane and it was so sudden I could almost actually feel my head spinning but I still didn't care. All I could bring myself to care about was the next day when Isabella was coming back to take me out on a 'proper' tour of Rome. I had never been so excited, and I could barely wait._


	22. Chapter 22

**okay, so this chapter is as a HUUUGE!!! thank you to all the amazing reveiws ive been getting over the last couple of weeks :D i had no idea there were so many people who liked this story that much :)...so to my usual lovely reviever S_tupid-Lollies_ THANK YOU! you always make me smile and laugh with your encouragement even when i KNOW what ive written is crap lol :P...and to the other fantastic reveiwers ..._Vanilla Slash, stuck-on-air, Silent Fate, ultrawoman00 _and_ Music and Reading Lover _this chapter is for all of you :D**

**now im not saying its a great thank you, but i got my laptop fixed sooner than i thought i would :D:D:D and couldnt wait to get started on this in return for all of you making me laugh and smile the last few weeks...a difficult feat considering im in absolute agony at the moment lol**

**so! i hope you all enjoy :D and will maaaaybe leave me another inspirational review?? lol :P...just fishing hahah...although i gotta tell ya, being told im mixing drugs into my fics really DOES make my day! hahah :D**

**so read, enjoy and if youre feeling particularly generous reveiw please and tell me what ya think :)...and, as a little piece of miracle news...dun dun dun (im a dork i know lol :P) i actually DONT hate this chapter!!!....isnt it amazing?? lol...now all of you get lost and go read...whatre you doing wasting time on my inane ramblings for when youve got a chapter to read...and a semi decent length of one too??!...**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

* * *

It had been almost three hours since I started telling Gordo everything that had happened and I had finally finished. I had told him about the way Isabella made me feel like I could barely breathe around her, the way her smile made me want to melt into a pile of goo on the floor. The way her eyes darkened impossibly when she wanted to kiss me. The way my heartbeat skyrocketed the first time I realised I _wanted_ her to kiss me, to touch me, to never let me go. I told him absolutely everything, down to the very last detail: I described the feeling of Isabella's hair as it tickled my arms when she hugged me; I remembered every tiny fleck of golden colour in her deep chocolate eyes. I described to him the way her mood could change from snobby and high tempered to down to earth and sweet in seconds, how _real, and __**mine **_she looked when she stood flipping pancakes in only a bathrobe. How she smelled as I buried my face in her neck. I explained how happy I was when she called me on my birthday and told him all about the several hours we had spent talking. I told him how peaceful she made me feel for the few months after my birthday when I had almost felt like my old self again. I almost started crying again when I tried to make him understand how empty I felt now that I had forced her away and how much I missed her. By the end of it all it was getting dark outside and Gordo was speechless.

The only thing I left out was the night Isabella and I spent together. That was private, and I didn't want anyone taking those memories away from me or spoiling them with their judgements. Even Gordo. I think he guessed though, but if he did he didn't say anything. He only looked at me shocked- as though trying to work out who I even was anymore. It hurt, but I understood. I knew he hadn't been expecting anything anywhere _near _the magnitude of what I had just told him and was going to need time to process it all.

I stood up shakily from my comfortable seat that had long become hard and unyielding and began to gather up the several glasses and milkshake bottles that we had scattered around the room in the last few hours. Gordo followed every movement I made with his eyes, needing to make sure I wasn't just a figment of his imagination or something I guess. Once I had dropped off all the rubbish in his kitchen and glanced at the clock- his parents would be home soon- I went back upstairs and quickly began to grab my stuff. Gordo was sitting staring into space, not even seeming to realise I was there. I was just about to leave when he suddenly jerked upright in his seat and called my name through the open doorway. I wearily turned around and re-entered the room, I just hoped Gordo didn't want to go over everything right now; I was too exhausted from everything I had just revealed. Over a year's worth of pain and heartache had just been spilled- it had taken a lot out of me. I couldn't handle Gordo's questions or rejection right now. I just wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep. I could talk to him once he had, had a chance to process everything I had told him. Right now I just couldn't deal with it.

I sighed and faced him, a look of defeat on my face that he must have understood because he simply smiled at me reassuringly and mumbled "you know what, never mind. I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk" and just as I again turned to trudge down the stairs he called out again "and Lizzie...it's okay" at his words I almost crumpled to the ground in relief. I had been so worried about his reaction. About everyone's reaction, but if Gordo could accept me then maybe it wasn't quite so bad after all. I smiled tiredly at him and gratefully sank into the brief hug he offered before I finally made my way out the door and stumbled my way home.

As a crawled into bed I let a small, real smile slip across my face for the first time in months. It wasn't perfect; it wasn't even anywhere near being great. But it was something. And for the first time since I had pushed Isabella away I didn't wake up sobbing during the night. Instead I dreamed of lazy roman days, sunbathing on a terrace and a golden pair of arms wrapped gently around me while I laughed happily at some cheesy joke about pop stars and lip-synching and fast food restaurants...


	23. Chapter 23

**okay, so an extremely long authors note going in here... first of all, thank you all so so much for the reviews ive been getting for this story, they've been amazing :) im so amazed so many people are still reading this story...and even better, liking it! lol :D....secondly, i am sooooo sorry i havent updated in so long. i know i said a few weeks and instead its been several months. but life happened as it does and exams, and sleep deprivation and late course work and uni applications and angry teachers lol...then on top of all of that, my laptop broke and i had to have it replaced; erasing most of the files and A LOT of my fics in the process. but the laptop was sent, my university apps were sent and my easter holidays ARE HERE! so!!!!.....i thought it was time i sat my lazy butt down and got writing lol...so to you all, happy easter. heres the new chapter...and enjoy :D**

**oh, and p.s. before i forget, there is a link on my profile which will take you all to a photobucket pic i found which sort of outlines how im picturing lizzie in this fic and how im seeing isabella :) im a visual person and while i can see the two characters as separate people because im writing them, others may not be able to differentiate. i hope the pics will help however if you are one of them :)**

**.....and P.P.S .....dont hate me after this chapter...._please..... _just remember the prologue...i promise, i will EVENTUALLLLY get back to that lol :P **

**xoxox**

**Becca**

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_"It only takes a second to fall in love with someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget them."_

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I woke up the next morning with a feeling of dread settling heavily on my chest. What if Gordo hated me now, what if now that he'd processes everything I had told him yesterday and suddenly realised what I was saying. What if I had just lost one of my best friends because of one stupid afternoon?

I blindly groped about for my phone, barely able to breathe from the pressure crushing down on my chest and scrolled wildly down the contacts list. Just as I was about to hit send and call up the boy I had been friends with since elementary and desperately still hoped I still was; my phone vibrated into my ear- causing me to drop it in shock and stare unseeingly at it for several minutes. The screen flashed green as the name of the sender repeated itself over and over until finally it fell silent. Gordo. I breathed a small sigh of relief as I quickly typed a reply and agreed to meet him later that day. He was still my best friend, despite everything.

I slipped out of bed and wandered slowly down the stairs into the kitchen; offering my mom a small but genuine smile as I passed her on the way to the coffee pot. She didn't approve of my new caffeine addiction, but this morning she said nothing as I filled my cup, added sugar and sat down at the table with it. She was still standing in the doorway, by the fridge- staring at me as if I had two heads. I glanced up at her over the rim of my mug, raising my eyebrows at her slightly when she continued to stare at me and smiled at her in confusion. She seemed to snap out of it at that; blinking rapidly and muttering my name in disbelief. Then, a huge grin covered her face and she raced forward to wrap her arms around me.

"c-cant breathe mom" I managed to wheeze out a few minutes later with a shaky laugh.

She quickly let me go, but the smile on her face didn't waver as she almost danced over the breakfast bar and started putting things away, glancing over her shoulder every few seconds to look at me and beaming again when she saw me still sitting there drinking my coffee. I didn't understand it; all I had done was come down to breakfast, it wasn't **that **big of a deal. So I might not have been able to force myself out of bed on a weekend this early since I-don't-know-when, but still, she was making _way_ too big a deal of it. It was kinda creepy.

I finished my coffee in almost silence, my mom almost seemed scared to try and talk to me, as if I was suddenly going to turn on her...or burst into tears. Surely it hadn't been **that** long since I spent time with her that my own mother didn't know how to treat me anymore. I thought back on it and realised the last time I had properly spent any real time with her was in the few months after my birthday when I was still the (almost) old Lizzie, back when I had been talking to Isabella on a semi-regular basis and smiling wasn't a chore.

Standing up suddenly, I rushed over to my mom who was frozen by the sink, watching me warily and threw myself into her arms. Guilt washed over me as I remembered how close the two of us used to be. Then Rome happened and everything changed. I changed. I hadn't realised on a serious level just how much my depression lately had been affecting my family, until now but seeing my mom's reaction to my mere presence really brought it home to me. Her arms slowly tightened around me when she realised I wasn't about to break down in her arms or start screaming madly. As I squeezed her and whispered an almost silent apology, she pulled back and looked at me with tears in her eyes as she whispered my name happily. Crushing me back to her, I let a few tears escape my eyes before swiping them quickly away. I had cried enough. I had been a horrible daughter to my mom, my dad too, but not anymore, I was going to try and change that, try and get my mom to stop looking at me like I was a stranger. I had a lot to make up for, and I was going to start it today. My plans with Gordo would have to wait. I was going shopping with my mom.

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We spent the entire day at the mall; bingeing on junk food, cooing at the little girlie outfits in all the stores and buying so much stuff I seriously think my mom must've maxed out her card. Dad was not going to be pleased. But we had fun, and it just made me feel even more guilty for how awful I had been treating everyone lately. I still didn't feel like my old self, but I was beginning to realise that I probably never would. That Lizzie was gone; I just had to improve on the one I had turned into.

My mom looked like she wanted to have a heart attack when I asked her if she wanted to come shopping with me. She settled for tearing up silently and dragging me halfway to the car, before she realised we were both still in out pyjamas and she didn't have her keys. I laughed at her; I always wondered where I got my clumsy, dorky side from: I guess it was from my mom after all. It felt good to be laughing again, the sound was almost foreign to me as it bubbled from my lips and I hated that; I used to laugh all the time, you couldn't get me to stop. I had changed so much in so little time and I hadn't even fully realised how much until now.

Rome may have changed my life for the better in so many ways, but it had also broken it in far too many others. I had ruined friendships with people I could have been such good friends with, alienated Gordo and Miranda and made myself a stranger in my own home. Nothing was worth causing that much pain to people I cared about... maybe not even Isabella. As much as it hurt to admit it, maybe it was time to let it all go and try to move on. She probably had. Maybe I just needed to put Rome and everything associated with it out of my head and forget it ever happened. Maybe then I would be able to become bubbly and happy again.

It had certainly seemed to work for today: I hadn't thought about her once and despite the nagging feeling in that back of my mind that I shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be having fun when I could be on a plane to Italy, and the slightly hollow feeling in my chest whenever I saw a flash of cocoa curls in the crowd that wasn't her, I felt _good._ My mom was smiling and laughing with me, I was making amends with Gordo, maybe this was how I needed to do things now. Forget Rome, forget Isabella. Move on.


	24. Chapter 24

**hey guys, so i know its been a while, and even though i have a million very good and valid excuses, im not gonna bore you all with them right now. suffice to say, this chapter is long overdue and although not much happens in it, its something at least right? :) ... anyways. i was in Italy all last week- Rome for part of it- and after actually seeing the places i was writing so much about in person, i got a teeeensy bit of inspiration and managed to chug out this one little chapter for y'all... sooo, i hope you enjoy it, sorry for the delay, and i hope youll allleave me at least a little feedback :)**

**xoxox**

**Becca**

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I was falling, dropping further and further through the thick, cloying darkness that surrounded me; coming closer to the gaping abyss below me with every thundering beat of my wildly palpitating heart. Faces flashed before my vision, swirling passed me as I fell, swirling away into blackness as I continued to fall- their faces, angry, sad, accepting, resigned, everyone I knew, everyone who mattered to me, passing me by as I fell, their faces displaying a thousand different emotions, staring out at me from unseeing eyes as I swirled dizzyingly through the darkness- closer and closer to something. Something I didn't understand, didn't want to name- my fear of its namelessness growing the nearer the yawning abyss I came. My voice sounded in the darkness around me, pained and raw, a hoarse whimper forced from my throat in my fear; the only sound able to make it passed my strangled voice chords. The croak of a name.

_And suddenly the darkness was receding, chased away like a shadow in the glow of morning's first rays of sun. Light was slowly filling the space I was trapped in, my terrifying descent into darkness changing into a leisurely drift towards the glowing light that had filled the place the abyss once occupied. My feet gently floated onto the ground as a hand reached out from deep within the brightness and grasped my own- bringing me fully to the ground and surrounding me in a deep, intense warmth I had felt only once before. I sighed out her name as her arms closed fully around me and buried myself deeper into her embrace as the warmth and heat intensified until it was a raging inferno- burning my very soul and setting fire to ever part of my body that was enveloped with hers. I closed my eyes against the burn of it, part pleasure and part pain chasing each other deep throughout my entire being until could feel nothing but her surrounding me- enveloping my body, engulfing my soul, embracing my whole self. I revelled in the agony of it until without warning I felt her arms begin to slide from my body and the warmth of her presence fade into the background._

_The darkness started to creep back into the white sanctuary that had surrounded me with her presence; edging its way back, closer and closer as the heat I had expected to dissipate with the loss of her presence surged hotter and more untamed, uncomfortable and blistering. I felt myself twisting, trying to escape its monstrous heat, only to become more and more entangled within it- the heat becoming a physical terror, trapping me, clogging my air ways and pulling me further and further in as though it were a blanket; wrapped around my neck, purposefully stopping my breaths with its cloying closeness._

_I was panting, twisting in my desperation to find her again, to have the peace and sanctuary of the whiteness back again- my hands were reaching for her, my lips forming her name over and over again until finally, with a jerk, I was falling again, plummeting downwards at a pace I could barely comprehend. Unable to scream in terror, my mind not even registering it as possibility, I fell- further and further from everything I thought I had known in the darkness until finally I landed, to the sound of the most blissful laughter I had ever heard- a sound I had been without for far too long now but had never quite managed to forget the sound of._

_The Trevi fountain was in front of me, water gushing over the ancient marble like the sound of the most majestic giggle. Miss Ungermire stood in front of it, her voice barking brusque, sarcastic Italian into her legendary headset, her hands gesturing the fountain behind her while she laughed callously in a rare attempt at humour. Gordo was beside me, his mouth moving furiously but no sound escaping. Everything became gradually muted as I focused in on the flash of deep brown hair moving swiftly through the crowd around me. It was **her**. I tried to move to follow, but my feet stuck to the ground, unwilling to move- just long enough for me to lose sight of the girl slipping amongst the throngs of people around her. I glanced down, then back up, trying again to move my feet and suddenly found myself at the water's edge, my toes brushing the cool marble of the fountains ancient pool. A coin was in my hand, warmed by the heat of the sun pouring down on me, scorching my hand, making me itch to throw it as far into the cool depths of the pool as I could. I felt my arm moving backwards, saw my much younger hand clench around the coin and then release it sharply as the searing heat grew too much to take anymore. The tiny coin went sailing, gleaming brightly in the Italian sun before plummeting towards the water below. My eyes clenched tightly out of instinct as the words I had spoken so very long ago- a lifetime before- tumbled once more from my lips._

_"I wish to find adventure on this holiday." Words that had changed my life in ways I had never imagined, never even thought to imagine._

_I straightened up, a mirror of my actions that burningly hot day in Rome a year before, my eyes dazzled by the sunlight, my vision fuzzy as I slowly refocused on the world around me and came face to face, not with the shocked eyes of an over confidant Italian lothario, but with the only face I would ever with to see._

_Her eyes bore into my own, pain and mystery and softness and love all swirling deep within their depths as she leaned forward and whispered hauntingly in my ear;_

_"They say, anyone who tosses a coin into the fountain will one day return to Rome. And find untold riches there."_

_Her scent was overpowering me, her name slipping from my lips in a pained whimper, my hands reaching for her, only to find her no longer in front of me. Instead, I felt her fingers gently caressing my neck from behind me, her mouth blowing cool air delicately against the shell of my ear as her words swirled tauntingly around us as though on a cloud of perfume; chanting over and over again until they all but consumed me_

_**"Return to Rome, return to Rome, return...return...return..."**_

_I felt myself growing dizzy, the scene around me dissolving into a swirling mist of unreality as Isabella's voice continued to dance through my mind; getting softer and quieter the thicker the mist around me became, until eventually it was a mere whisper in my mind, more memory than reality._

I jerked awake in the cool confines of my mom's car, the air conditioning feeling like heaven against my overheated, yet clammy skin. The seatbelt was tangled irritatingly around my throat, lightly pressing on my windpipe but making me take deep breaths in to fight off the feeling of once again being strangled. My mom was carefully manoeuvring the car through the maze of identical housed that made up our neighbourhood, our shopping bags nestled safely at my feet- glimpses of our many outrageous purchases peeking from their tops. I looked up from my intense scrutiny of our days trip to find her watching me curiously, something both questioning and at the same time guarded in her eyes as she looked at me. A faint smile crossed her face when I caught her gaze, her indecipherable look fading away as I smiled tiredly back; my throat sore from what I guessed were my muffled whimpers as I slept.

Today had been fun, tiring and intense, but fun. I wasn't used to fun anymore, not the proper honest to god, no worries kind anyway. It had been a long time since I had done something as simplistic and innocent as shopping with my mother and genuinely enjoyed myself. It wasn't really any wonder then that I had once again dreamed of Isabella. I always did, whenever anything vaguely important or even notable happened. She haunted my dreams, reminding me constantly that no matter how much pleasure I got from something, **nothing** could compare to the rapture I had found in her arms, in her presence, in the days we had flown through Rome together, sampling everything together; _discovering_ everything together. Nothing else could even come close.


End file.
